I’ve managed to set up a pretty sweet career for myself.

At the age of 20 I left school after the University and I came to a mutual understanding that we should “be on a break” for a little while. I moved home to be super cool and live with my Mom & Dad and got a temp job at an insurance company in May. I always planned to go back to school in the spring after 6 months of consecutive employment using their tuition reimbursement program. Then 9/11 happened, my company cut their personal lines department, and I was laid off by 21.

My supervisor told me before I was laid off that she went to “the Bobs” that were hired to handle our layoffs and asked to keep me, but it was to no avail. She thought that even with 5 months experience, my work product and ethic earned me the right to stay even though there were people who had been there longer than I. Company policy did not agree. I went to work for an insurance agency that was owned by a prior colleague of hers, and her last request to me was “He’s a friend of mine and I referred you to him, so that’s my word on the line. Don’t f*ck it up.” That was 8 years ago.

Now, I work in the field office of a major insurance company as a specialist for the agents. People in my position advance to much higher positions in the company, in fact most executives have my job title amongst the eight-hundred acronyms that Corporate America loves. I serve on a few non-profit boards in the area. People actually know my name before they know me. One organization, which I adore because the work they do for women is inspiring, actually decided to feature me as part of a series they have of women “Making Change Happen” in Maine.

Compliment my hair, I smile and preen and say “Thanks!” Ooh and ahh over my performance of “Someone To Watch Over Me” and I’ll blush a little and tell you that I’ve been performing that particular song since I was 17 years old. Have my HR department call and ask if I’ll be featured in a new vlog series for employees because 6 colleagues recommended me…I’ll break out in hives and go to my supervisor BEGGING to be released from the project.

The truth of the matter is in most situations I’m a crazy compassionate ambitious successful bitchy corporate leader for my agents and my company. But when it comes to promoting myself and the work that I do, I’m Just Not That Into Me.

I realized this with the remodel of my office (I know, I thought the hives would have done it too!) I got to choose the colors, rearrange furniture and truly make the space my own. After everything was placed, though, I had a huge gaping wall space behind my desk. In my stomach, I got a sinking scary feeling as I knew what I should hang there. My featured article in the “Making Change Happen” was mounted into a gorgeous black shadow box frame.

I couldn’t bring myself to even measure out the space for almost four days, even though I knew that I should be proud and should want to share my success with people visiting my office. But I mean seriously…I’m 29 years old, with no college degree, and half the time I feel like I’m faking my way through it. It’s only my stubborn nature to help everyone around me succeed and be happy that has gotten me to where I am. I want to see people excel, I want them to find their grail, I want so much for everyone around me. And for me, it’s only because everyone I work with is so damn talented and smart and wonderful that I ever manage to look good.

I have had to type and delete three times already in this posting “I was lucky and…” It’s almost like I can’t bring myself to see or believe that I might have had a hand in any of it. That someone is going to realize at some point in time that I just keep swimming and really have no idea what I’m doing. That I can’t accept my own success.

My sister, the psych major, I have delusions of self-fulfillment. I’m trying though. In fact, after a week of deep breaths and only one hive breakout, I hung my article over the desk in my office. Maybe next week, I’ll even be able to tell people I did it proudly.

So how do you deal with your success in business? Are you into you?