Comments on: If Selfish Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right

By: Paul Doucette

Paul Doucette — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 04:39:23 +0000

It is great to see the lessons taught are so wonderfully articulated. You continue to make your mother and I very proud of you and what you have become.
You are absolutely right in that there is nothing wrong in doing something for someone because it makes you feel better about yourself. Why do most people give to charity or participate in charity events (walks and such). It makes them feel better about themselves which is selfish. But that does not stop them from doing so. True they also do it because they know the charities need the support but I wonder which is the stronger reason.

By: SheChanges

SheChanges — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 17:07:42 +0000

Brava, Elisa! I love the distinctions you make in the concept of selfish. In coaching women leaders, I often will invoke this term to get them to make the leap to self-care-ville. As women, I find this is a such a loaded word for us and can often keep us from staying whole, staying healthy and staying happy – basic human rights. I'm also finding the "catch all" beoader definition of selfish can be a convenient way for us to not take responsibility for our own lives – our own happiness, our own health. To go ahead and "be selfish" as you define it and as I invite women in my practice is to come out from behind our own shadow(s) and claim responsibility for ourselves. Like – said, Brava!

By: Elisa

Elisa — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 22:33:51 +0000

Sam – Well, your post definitely spurred this post on. After I read yours, it was the final link I needed to finish this one that had been in my drafts for 2 months. Great post yourself!

Marie – I sometimes feel like I have doormat stamped across my forehead! But you are so right, we are of no use to others if we are not at 100% ourselves. Plus, I think after awhile even the most caring and compassionate of people will begin growing resentful. And that's just not good for anyone!

Ryan – I'd love to offer a more substantial opinion, but please note my comment to Marie above regarding my doormat-iness! I've been fortunate enough to have very few clingy people in my life, though they definitely are there. Sometimes it's easiest to gently ween the clingy person off you by slowly being unavailable to them. Course, sometimes, you just have to grin and bear the crazy (depending on the level and situation, e.g. slightly crazy very big client)

By: Ryan Stephens

Ryan Stephens — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:16:19 +0000

I think both Sam and Marie are right. I also think that if your primary benefit is selfless, then the way it makes you feel after is just gravy.

And "taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of others," is so true. Sometimes the disadvantageous of being "overly nice" is you're nice to someone who really needs it and in turn they become really clingly and it isn't someone you'd ordinarily associate with - you were just trying to be nice. For me, this is always a tough situation.

Interested to hear if others have had similar problem and how they approach it?

By: Marie

Marie — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:36:58 +0000

You are so right on about two kinds of selfish. It's so easy to become a "doormat" if you view ALL selfishness as wrong. More often than not, taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of others.

Great post!

By: Sam

Sam — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:32:51 +0000

Elisa: This is so interesting, and I love how it ties in with my post about being nice without being a pushover (thanks for the link!). Although it may seem selfish to do something for others that will also benefit you, or make you feel good, I don't think it is. If your primary reason for doing nice things is a selfless one, then everything else is just an added benefit. Great post!