…say something useful.
I know Mom, it’s supposed to be “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all” but I’m here to say that that phrase is outdated and detrimental. See, as a core society we’ve bought into the idea that anything that we say to each other has to be covered in candy coating or come wrapped with a pretty little ribbon. Most nice statements don’t carry weight anymore. “I’m Sorry” and “Thank You” are throw away statements that most don’t mean and “I love…” is a convoluted mess.
I’m not advocating for everyone to now go on a free-for-all saying every nasty, rude and unsavory thing they have been longing to get off their chest in the cruelest way possible. I don’t see much need for malice in communication, unless of course you are dissing my New England Sports teams, in which case I cannot be held accountable for my words or actions.
Instead I am advocating for open dialogue and respectful discussion. Encouraging people by challenging them rather than enveloping them in blankets of warm fuzzies which in reality do nothing but hinder our advancement. Writing compelling arguments to someone’s theory rather than such brilliant statements as “That’s just dumb.” Taking the time to listen and digest (or read and digest) what someone is truly and wholly saying rather than attempting to reply to one sentence out of context or assume you know.
Being falsely nice is like keeping an employee who isn’t performing their job duties as they should. You aren’t helping the company by keeping them on. And even more importantly you aren’t helping the employee who is so obviously wasted in this work relationship when they could be excelling somewhere else. They’re miserable cause they know, you’re miserable cause you know, but no one dares to say anything.
And fighting dirty just makes you look foolish and ignorant in anything you say. This includes such fantastic debating tools as blanket statements, prejudices, backhanded compliments and assumptions. Facts and logic are the only things that truly win an argument. Especially when they are presented in a manner in which all parties leave wiser, not as little missiles to fire at your opponent.
Really, the world could be such a better place if we actually just laid things out on the table and had REAL conversations with each other instead of living a life of pretense. I have built the Webb around this idea and will absolutely dialogue with ANYONE who wants to have meaningful conversation.
I’m all for the idyllic beauty of life, but I refuse to relinquish reality to achieve it.
Photo Credit: Getty Images:Bengt-Goran Carlsson
I agree, we have to have differing opinions in order to have dialog which may or may not include saying things that are completely nice. I think this goes a long the lines of telling everyone they are a winner and no one is a loser. If you grow up never hearing a little criticism, you end up being unable to take it in a constructive way. Doesn’t help society in any way.
Great post, Elisa…as always
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Kristina, that’s a great point. Especially in our generation and down we’ve been raised to avoid criticizing children. Everyone wins a medal, regardless of whether your team shoots a goal or not. We are teaching from a young age that conflict and differences are bad, everything MUST be happy and good. Which obviously isn’t reality.
I’m all for supporting people and being nice (or a cheerleader) but only when I mean it and have fact to back it up. Like our convo this morning on Twitter…people don’t kickass just because, they kickass for a reason.
What, I can’t tell you that your Sox suck anymore?
That’s just dumb.
In all seriousness, I’m starting to love your blog more and more each day, especially this post – love it! In fact, I know it’s not the same as a “Blog Crush” honor, but I hope you don’t mind if I link to you from my blog? You’re writing is definitely link crush worthy.
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“I’m not advocating for everyone to now go on a free-for-all saying every nasty, rude and unsavory thing they have been longing to get off their chest in the cruelest way possible.” That is exactly what I was planning to do!! Just teasing. I have to agree. Sometimes there is a nicer way to communicate, being honest and straight forward instead of sugar coating it all. Great point you put out there.
New England huh? Does this include football as well? Please say no…..:P
Great thoughts here. What hits home for me?
“Being falsely nice is like keeping an employee who isn’t performing their job duties as they should. You aren’t helping the company by keeping them on. And even more importantly you aren’t helping the employee who is so obviously wasted in this work relationship when they could be excelling somewhere else.”
I’m an HR dude, particularly working in staffing. Working with managers is a joy, as well as a wrench to my intestines. Let me cut to my point. Some managers main focus is being liked by their employees. It happens way too often, and its detrimental to the organization. When an employee is average, with some room for improvement, many managers may just give high praise for the employee, and of course give even higher praise for excelling workers. It seems like they are so worried of upsetting the employee, that it forces them to keep every conversation positive, without bringing up any challenges or problems the employee might have. Managers like this will only talk to HR about their really poor employees, but again won’t have conversations with them about poor performance.
My job is much easier when I have internal clients that are straight forward with communication. I could rant on more, but I think you get the point!
Great work!
Rich, I was just talking to someone about this earlier this week. The most horrible thing about complacent “like me like me” managers is the way their employees suffer due to their inability to encourage through tough conversations.
I was thinking about this today as I realized tomorrow is boss’ day. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from an employer…she referred me to a job after I had been laid off and as I left the office she gave me this nugget of wisdom: “You are representing me. This is a friend of mine, my word is on your name. Don’t f*(& it up.”
I’ve told other people this and they were horrified. I got the job. And I learned that in business, in life really, you always have to present yourself in the BEST possible way you can, because someone somewhere believes in you.
I think that this post is truly great! It’s totally true and correct in what you are relaying. I even find myself sugar coating things for people. When the truth is that they are an adult and I am an adult (most days). They should be able to understand me saying, “I’m sorry but that is not the way to handle this.” instead of, “No you’re totally right. I can see where you’re coming from”.
I aslo agree with the sugar coating for children. I remember an episode of “How I Met Your Mother”. One character totally sugar coated her class in basketball and always gave them medals and focused on having fun more than working hard. Her husband goes on this amazing rant that their lives are obviously going to be easy because you don’t have to work later in life, and everything is handed to you in a nice neat package and so on. He was being sarcastic of course. It just makes you think and realize that sugar coating people is actually preventing them from reaching their full potential.
Kids these days feel so entitled and it’s because they’ve been made to feel that way. I’ve worked for all my achievements, degree, and lifestyle since I was 13. I am grateful to my parents and my sister telling me that life doesn’t come easy and you have to work for it. If you want to give up, then you’re just doing it right. Kids today think that it does come easy and then give up too quickly because that’s what they’ve been led to believe. And that’s sad coming from me seeing how I am only 23 and still not really a growned up.
Excellant post!! You’re my favorite blogger ever!! And I don’t want the $20 for saying that. This one’s for free
I actually ran thru that episode in my head while I was writing my post. I think it’s so very true. And I especially like how the episode showed that neither complete niceness nor complete jerkness are the solution. In fact the best motivation seems to be a balance between the two.
I don’t get it