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What Is Love?

19 October 2009 29 Comments

They say that the people who appreciate sex the most are the ones who aren’t having it.

I’d venture to say the same thing about love.  I’m not sure if it is because we sometimes don’t appreciate the things we have and we somehow take those things for granted or if the idea of love has just been commercialized and commoditized and really just plain set set aside.

I try not to pontificate on the nature of relationships.  I have no place, I haven’t been in one for eleven years this November.  In fact, I’m not sure if I’ve ever even been *in* love.  I’ve had cute adorable puppy love with my high school sweetheart, I’ve had infatuation with the frat boy out of my league, I’ve had complicated dating escapades with guy…friends that have never ended well.  The closest I’ve ever come was telling someone I loved him to then have him reply that he loved me as well…but in that moment he had finally admitted to himself that he was gay.  Yep, I’m my own episode of Will & Grace.

Single Thinking About Love

I’ve spent a lot of time in the past year or so trying to figure out why.   It’s kind of what I do.  Instead of people who are not dependable I like to base my world in reason and logic and making connections.  I want to KNOW and understand things.  I am most content quiet and observing.  I’ve created a life where I am in full and complete control.  It causes many more problems than one would think.

What does this have to do with love you might ask.  And more importantly, what is this silly guarded unfeeling and emotionally empty chick doing talking about it?  Well, as I said at the beginning…sometimes the people who AREN’T in love are the ones who most recognize the reckless abandon and beautiful craziness that it is.

They know that love is something that is reciprocal and should be reserved for special people in your life (in other words you should NOT love you job or ice cream!)  They know because like a child they’ve learned from watching.  They know that love is a gift and that many are willing to give up on it, ignore it or not appreciate it.

And they know because they are far too scared/stubborn/independent/*insert other adjective here* to fall in love themselves, andatbecause they know what it’s going to take.  Maybe they don’t know how great it is after the fall.  Or maybe they just haven’t found someone worth falling for.

What is love to you?  Do you embrace the reckless abandon and beautiful craziness or do you hide?

Photo Credit: Getty Images: Betsie Van der Meer

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  • http://legaldunki.wordpress.com Kristina Duncan

    Funny you should write a post about love when I’ve been debating that topic as well. I can relate to this post. I had built walls around myself. I didn’t want to be in a relationship because I didn’t want the pain that would inevitably come after falling in love because the relationship wouldn’t work out. My solution was to avoid it all together. Also, part of it was I hadn’t found someone worthy. Now I have and it is an amazing feeling. I would categorize it as “beautiful craziness.” for me, love is something you feel down to your core. When something as simple as holding hands makes you feel warm and fuzzy deep down inside. When you are apart you long to be together. It’s an amazing feeling that I am doing a terrible job of describing right now.

    How do you consistently write such great posts? Love the picture too :)
    .-= Kristina Duncan´s last blog ..End of the month update =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Kris, I think this is one of the most important things about love. When the feelings you are feeling are so overwhelming and amazing that you can’t even find words great enough to describe them. And that’s coming from me, I’m a word FIEND. I’m so happy to see you in this state, I know the risk and think the reward will be well worth it. :)

  • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

    Boy. This is a post I probably should not be reading today, especially after the last 2 posts on my blog. (I sense a lot of hate mail coming my way on it.)

    Now normally I would tell you to go ahead and let yourself fall. Find out what it’s like. That it’s long overdue. But these days, I’m thinking you are one smart woman to stay guarded! Granted, when you stay guarded you close yourself off to the chance of feeling those rainbows and butterflies developing, but when you stay guarded you also protect yourself from the ugly aftermath that is sure to follow.

    Wow. I can’t even write anything intelligent on this. I probably should not have commented because now I’ve made you all stupid for having listened to me. Sorry.
    .-= David´s last blog ..The Manwhore Relapse =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      David – And unicorns…I believe it’s rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. :)

      I’ve heard from many the risk is worth the fall, and have seen many friends fall. I’ve seen the aftermath. I’ve seen the beforemath. I gotta say I think the smarter people are the ones who dare to take the risk. I was just talking to a friend, we kinda decided together that you can have a short time of sad times or a lifetime of regret.

      All that being said, we all need a chance to blow off some steam…it is a fall after all.

      • http://silencebehindcloseddoors.blogspot.com Cheila

        AMEN!!!!!!!! I couldn’t agree more :)
        .-= Cheila´s last blog ..Freaking Friday =-.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.com Grace Boyle

    Good post, Elisa. As I’m sure you’re going to hear, many people can relate.

    In the past I’ve embraced the reckless abandon (which reminds me of Sam Davidson’s awesome post: http://samdavidson.net/blog/2009/10/14/the-price-of-intimacy-is-reckless-abandon.html). I’ve loved with arms wide open and also trusted. This means inevitably, my heart has been broken and I’ve broken hearts. However, even now while I’m single and pretty guarded (had break-up 6 months ago) I still don’t regret the reckless abandon and way that I’ve loved and been loved.

    I’ve learned so much about how to ‘fall’ and also how to give and take in relationships. It helps you see yourself and learn how you work with another person. With that being said, I’m not a serial dater. I go a long time in between relationships often because I’m picky, don’t want to settle and for better or worse, know what it means to find requited love. I also enjoy the time I spend alone and what I can learn from it.

    I don’t think there’s one answer here…but really, to each their own. Some friends ask me when I’m going to date again or if there’s a new man in my life, but I know what works for me. I know my pace. I also can’t force love and that’s true for everyone.

    To your last point, I think that as stubborn as one can be about not wanting to fall in love, when it’s right, it’s right. There’s no controlling the fall, the only part you can control is your rationality and taking care of yourself. But when you meet someone, you know it and like a puzzle, it fits together because it’s simply how it’s supposed to be.
    .-= Grace Boyle´s last blog ..A Fatherly Guest Post: What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up? =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Grace – I think you bring up a great point, and that is that you enjoy the time you spend by yourself and what you learn from it. That seems to be one of the biggest problems I see people having, and that is that they are scared to be by themselves. So they jump from relationship to relationship or got into serious relationships far too you. We all know those people, the ones that are so insecure or have such low confidence that you are just perplexed how anyone even falls for them in the first place. (Note – I do know some people who adorably fell for the love of their life at age 16 and have been together since…I just think they are an exception and not a rule.)

      As for the controlling the fall part, I think it’s something we have to be careful of. I’ve had so many people say “just don’t look and you’ll find “it” (whatever the “it” is.) But the danger there is that if you aren’t open to the idea or trying to control everything that happens sometimes you stop yourself from falling. And who knows what you’ll miss by doing that.

  • http://tomaszgorecki.com tomasz

    My point is simple, before we jump into a relationship. And by the way, this is something I am starting to learn now.
    What is our top priority in our life right now? Are we committed and able to marry someone within the next say 5 years. What are we sacrificing for that?

    For me, @ 24 what is more important, a girlfriend or focusing on my career and getting financially stable; certainly getting stabled first, see the world, try new things.

    There is no right or wrong, its a matter of what you are willing to give up to get something greater.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Thomasz – I don’t know, I know some people who can “have it all.” I don’t think anything particularly happens to give some of us that advantage and others scrambling to “balance” our work and life. We find time for what we want to allocate time to. I think the biggest thing with finding a significant other when trying to figure out all the craziness is finding someone who will be there throughout the crazy and still love us at the end of it. THAT is a situation fewer and farther between (in my experience.)

  • http://www.thelevityproject.com Katie West/The Levity Coach

    Funny I should read your post today. I just got off the phone with a dear friend(who is amazing and beautiful and talented) who left Maine to move to a big city only to find out—It doesn’t matter it is hard to meet people anywhere. So we were talking about love. I think it has both the reckless abandon side and the protected side. I think it may be some what reckless to walk around in a sort of orgasmic “I am open to LOVE” twirl around kind of feeling all the time…cause things happen, we pay bills, issues come up. So I think it is a balance of letting ourselves risk and be bold and also allow time for rejuvenation or hiding. Probably the hiding doesn’t serve us as well, but I think it is natural as we unfold ourselves with someone to hide and then open.
    All I know is I remember knowing that my husband felt like the right one to me when I had the thought after a particularly romantic roof top date with Annie’s Mac and Cheese and good beer that he was the person I wanted to fall into and out of love many times. I think it is normal to have cycles or the opening and the closing. But I think that the opening is crucial for our hearts.

    • http://www.thelevityproject.com Katie West/The Levity Coach

      oops I meant to say challenging to walk around open rather than reckless..ha ha

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Katie – That is SUCH a good perspective. We need to really have a good balance of the “I am open to LOVE twirl” and sort of reserved parts. I know many people who get far too lost in their relationships never taking time for themselves because they don’t KNOW themselves. Even after the fall they forget that they are a “me” as well as a “we.” Rejuvenation/refleciton is key to any personal growth.

      I also adore your story of you and your husband…that’s such a great scene. It really is sometimes the little things that end up pushing love over the edge into a fantastic and scary freefall!

  • http://www.mckinneyoatescereal.wordpress.com Marie

    I love love. I love the ups and downs and the craziness. I can’t handle real roller coasters, but emotional ones are right up my alley.

    Mark, however, is so much like you. He wants reasons and logic and wants to understand all the un-understandable parts of love. I can’t express how frustrating this was in the beginning. Why can’t you just go with the flow, my man? Why all the guards and fences? I just couldn’t understand at all.

    Now that I’m “in” and he’s let his guard down for me, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be loved by someone who truly respects love and everything it entails. I know beyond a doubt that he is going to always take care of my heart.

    So don’t change your guarded reverence for love because it’s that quality that’s going to make your man SO thankful that you chose him. Trust me.
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..Pretty sure this would be classified as Narcissitic Personality Disorder =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Marie – You just made me feel so much better! Especially knowing the love you have for Mark and the similarities you’ve noted between him and I. I think I’m a pretty sweet deal to land as a girlfriend/wife, I hadn’t even considered yet how thankful he would be to know I led down my guard for him. It is a special thing, thank YOU for helping me to see that!

  • http://www.cornonthejob.com Rich DeMatteo

    I think people may hide from love for a number of different reasons. I’ve been playing hide and go seek with love for the better part of the last 4 years, I think I’ve found myself a nice hiding spot!

    I spent most of my college career in a serious relationship. Three serious relationships in four years to be exact. Before college I had one girlfriend who I guess you could consider serious. Do the math to figure out that nothing really lasted much longer than a year, so more simple math and logic tells you that any feelings of love were false. I’m pretty sure that I was never in love, and after college I switched my focus on loving me.

    When I graduated college I had a lot going on. A girlfriend and I were about to split up, I started working in the fast paced recruiting industry, graduate school was starting in the fall, and I was about to start my obsession with the gym. Once the girlfriend and I broke up, the focus of my energy switched gears to satisfying and making me more healthy. I focused on my education, career, and physique. I gained a great deal of confidence and became much more mature through those processes. The first 2 years I backed away and hid completely from relationships. The last two years I think I’ve been ready if someone simply amazing comes along, but I haven’t found a girl that really seems to match what I want. Rather than waste someone’s time, I push them away.

    If love is more than just a thought or fairy tale we make up in our minds than it will find me. But for now I’m very happy in my hiding spot, carrying out and loving my life and the people I care about.
    .-= Rich DeMatteo´s last blog ..The ‘L’ Word and Your Career =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Rich – Yes, so very much yes. I’m a huge proponent of not wasting time. As I mentioned to Thomasz I feel like we make that time for the things we think are important. I’ve spent a long amount of time focusing on “selfish” things for me, but it’s made me much better for a relationship. I would have been a nightmare to date 3-5 years ago!

      That’s not to say I haven’t dated, I just haven’t found someone “worth” the fall that re-focused my attention. And as you said perfectly, love will find me. I’ll stay open to it, I’m just not desperately seeking it out either!

      • http://www.cornonthejob.com Rich DeMatteo

        No need to go out and seek something that is said to be like a fairy tale. Be you, love you, and then someone that deserves you will love you as well, and then…I guess that’s love.

        PS – go to bed, its 2:50am
        .-= Rich DeMatteo´s last blog ..Attention Generation Y: Please share Facebook with your Mom =-.

  • http://livethecharmedlife.com/ DeeAnne

    Great post! My current thinking, in regards to love, is to protect myself until I find a person worthy of my love, then I jump in with both feet and that fantastic reckess abandon!

    I believe that when you’ve decided to live a full and adventurous life, there is no way to protect yourself completely. To get the fabulous, you have to risk the sh**.

    I say, let the adventure begin!

    xoxo,
    D
    .-= DeeAnne´s last blog ..Live the Charmed Life: Lesson Two~Expecting the Good =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      DeeAnne – You’re totally right, you can’t protect yourself against everything. And the crazy belief that we somehow can makes for a sheltered existence. What sort of life is that? We settle for a lot of things (unfortunately.) Big risks in life and love shouldn’t be part of it.

  • http://velvetescape.com/blog Keith

    Excellent post. I completely agree with DeeAnne above. There has to be some self-protection initially but if you feel the person is worthy of your affection, then go for it. I’m not sure sure about your first statement though: those who appreciate sex/love are the ones who aren’t getting it. I truly appreciate both and I can’t complain about the amounts of both I’m receiving. :-) Haha!
    On a serious note, it’s ok to let your guard down and it’s ok to get hurt. I am a strong believer of the strength of the human spirit and of our ability to learn. Making mistakes, falling down and getting back up again are all part and parcel of this wonderful thing we call LIFE! :-)
    .-= Keith´s last blog ..Ten things to do in Cape Town =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Keith – I think the thing about people not having sex and being in love is that they are from the outside looking in. Sure there are some who just avoid it and then there are some who just haven’t found it. The latter are the ones who TRULY appreciate it, cause they never take it for granted. It’s a sad facet of human nature, we tend to take for granted the things that are “just” part of life.

      I don’t know that the fall and whatnot are necessarily the thing most are avoiding. Sure, that’s a part of it, but there’s so much more than fear that holds us. There’s the whole hassle/craziness/game that is involved, too. That’s the biggest piece for me…I hate the efforts that go into dating cause I don’t like doing things that lead me no where.

  • Amy

    As always great post! You say so much in so little :) Personally, I think there’s too much pressure on love. I think that our society and culture has made it out to be this unicorn. Something mystical and uncommon. True, love should be treated as something mystical and something to hold onto. I was recently in love and it fell apart. I truly believe it was love. Things were said, gauntlets were thrown, and in the end love lost. That is fine. I lost myself for awhile and am beyond happy to get myself back.

    I’ve had a lot of heart breaks… a lot. More than I care to realize. I don’t think I have broken many hearts though. The thing that I’ve learned from love, heart ache, and loss is that, it’s never the same. I hate giving my friends advice on love and relationships because lighting never strikes twice. I am very different from them and their relationships will be very different from any that I have had. There are no steps, it’s rare the movie ending happens. I’ve never gotten off the plane to see him standng there with roses.

    Should you let your guard down? Yes. It’s that simple. But only when someone trustworthy and worth your love comes along. I’ve had my heart broken, but I still believe in love and if it takes the next 20 years to find it, I’m happy with the love I already have from family and friends. That means the world to me, everytime.

  • http://www.melissabxoxo.blogspot.com Melissa

    GREAT post!!! Your guest post is up on my blog now!
    .-= Melissa´s last blog ..Freaky (Funny!) Friday. =-.

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  • http://www.twitter.com/leslieforman Leslie Forman

    My thoughts exactly. I have conversations like this almost every day with my colleague, who considers singleness a cruel joke compared with the joy of being loved. I have felt like Grace from “Will and Grace” many, many, many times.

    Thanks!

  • http://twentyorsomething.com Susan

    I loved this post when I first read it and am glad I have the chance to comment on it. I felt like I was agreeing with this entire post. Observing, studying people? Yep. Living a life where you are in complete control? Yep. Guarded? Yep. Tough character traits when it comes to the term “‘falling’ in love.”

    I’ve been in love before — a relationship that was everything I thought I had always wanted (at least, at the time), that lasted for four years, that ended amicably (for the most part). I know the feeling very well and, truth be told, I often miss that feeling. Love is a glorious mess of contradictions — it’s exciting and it’s calm, it’s adventurous and it’s stable, it’s challenging and it’s straightforward. That being said, I feel like I’m a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to love as well — it’s something I want to find again, something I look forward to, but, truthfully, it’s something I’m a bit hesitant of — having been down that road before. The good outweighs the bad, but the bad still leaves a mark. All of the advice I have in me, everything in my heart, says go for it, take that leap, risk the heartache, let down that guard because it’s better to have loved and lost, etc, etc. But when it comes down to it, those things are pretty scary. Worth it. But scary. So I can’t offer any advice. From what I’ve seen, though, you’ve figured a lot of it out already.

    I read a post on David’s blog recently and saw that he attributed that last quote to you — that you shouldn’t settle for love, shouldn’t settle for anything less. I love that and believe that to be true. I think you’ll know it when you find it and to settle for that something else just because — I think that could do more harm than good for both you and the other person involved if your heart isn’t entirely in it. Does that mean I’ll be single for awhile until it finds me? Probably. But I think I’m becoming ok with that, too.

    I hope — have every belief — that it will find you, too. Beautiful post — thanks for sharing it!

  • http://www.andrewgubb.com Andrew

    I have the strong conviction that pure love is an unlimited resource and the practical matter of falling in love is simply finding someone who you are comfortable falling in love with. I love everybody and everything, or I want to; but when someone is incapable of receiving or understanding my love, I tone it down (usually). It’s been an interesting matter learning to translate infinite, unconditional, spiritual love for all things into physical plane, person-to-person love in this last year. Love is infinite, it just needs to be expressed in a finite way… because it comes from an infinite realm, but over here things are limited to three dimensions… that’s the thing.

    Love :)

    Andrew

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