Called Out
First off I have to go on record saying that in high school, I wasn’t even cool enough to hang out with the other band geeks.
Seriously.
I hope one of my high school friends reading this will take 2 seconds to comment and help confirm this fact.
I mention this tiny piece of my painful relationship with high school life because I feel it is important to let everyone in on a secret that apparently I haven’t relayed well enough. I am a big huge walking talking living breathing mega adorable dork. Seriously, I have conversations in computer l33tspeak with friends on Twitter.
Which is part of why I am SO perplexed with the recent phenomenon I’ve been experiencing online. Started about three months ago in GChat with a friend. She commented that she never imagined that she would EVER be in a chat with me. To her I was totally in a different stratosphere from her.
Another person recently told me that they considered the “group” that I’m “part of” one of THE groups of people to know on Twitter. (Seriously?! 3/4 of my “friends” on Twitter are dorks like me, that’s why I love them!) And finally I got an email from someone I barely know this weekend about a comment I wrote saying “It’s just amazing that someone like yourself would take the time to visit my blog and leave such a great comment.”
It’s because of these things that I’m gonna call someone out. Usually, when I have an issue with people, I’ll email or chat with them. I find nothing productive ever comes from those situations when you do it in public. It ends up being a lot of people shouting and screaming as much as they can, and I don’t like loud noises. But I feel the time has come to stop the insanity.
We started as freshmen, everyone trying to figure out what our positions are in this new school while also discovering all the hair that’s growing in weird new places. We’ve passed sophomore year where you start developing some relationships, but in reality you are discovering the pecking order and your “place” in it. We are now in our junior year of high school here in the online world.
And I’m gonna start by calling out the only person I have control over. I’m calling myself out. This game is getting old, and let’s be real, it has gone on for FAR too long. Sure the ego thrill of compliments, being called an “expert,” or winning homecoming queen at the fall football game are all great.
But even the nicest and most sincere person can get swept up in it all and pretty soon you realize that they are Freddie Prinze Jr/Julia Stiles in their 6,738th teen movie. They may have hearts of gold underneath it all, but you don’t see it until you vest yourself for 75 minutes into the movie when the big non-choreographed choreographed dance scene breaks out. If you give up cause he/she is grating on your nerves trying to be cool/smart/popular/engaging then they never get to show you there’s more to them. Or worse you have some people that may flock and worship mindlessly the captain of the soccer team/cheerleading squad.
And so I leave you all with this. Please do not EVER put me in some unreachable “level” of person. Aside from the fact that I know with absolute certainty that I’m not nearly as popular as some seem to think, it is just further perpetrating these cliques and this problem. Reach out. Email me. Chat with me. Twitter with me. Comment only if you are inclined. Let me get to know you and I promise I’ll let you get to know me.
I really AM just a big huge walking talking living breathing mega adorable dork. And I love people, I really do! I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself in the cool clique. The more we work to build relationships and get beyond the superficial high school popularity contests, social media climbing and bullshit, the better our online worlds will be.
Photo Credit: Getty Images: Ryan McVay
The first dance I ever attended was Senior year of high school. My girlfriend made me go to the Winter formal. She was a sophomore and I was a Senior. Her parents were nice enough to offer to drive us to the school, even though they lived across the street from the school.
We would have been fine walking, but I was dry heaving on their front lawn. I just couldn’t stop dry heaving. Bent over on her front lawn while her parents stare at me in amazement. Since she lived across the street from the school, other couples were walking by her house as I sat there dry heaving. I was incredibly nervous, terrified even, of my first social event where moving my feet and arms in a “cool” looking way was necessary.
I wasn’t cool. I played soccer and hockey, and had friends, but I didn’t hang out. I avoided parties, never went to school events that weren’t forced. I was uncool. My first drink was at the age of 20…we’ll stop there.
College changed me a bit and I became more open to people, but I’ve never seen myself as cool, or popular. I think our experiences in feeling uncool in earlier years has made us feel awkward or weird when people give us that sort of attention now. In college I was president of the hockey team, president of the senior class, and was nominated to be Mr. Cabrini (our college had a Mr. and Mrs. Cabrini Pageant — I won). I never saw myself as popular, I just loved the people I was around, and we had a very tight small school so it worked out well.
Now a days I focus on making as many good connections as possible. I just feel blessed to meet people like you and others. It’s all about connections in this crazy mixed up internet world we are living in.
Good for you for calling yourself out, but don’t be too hard on yourself. People admire what you’ve done. Good on you for asking those to reach out to you. This crazy screen I’m staring at makes it easy for anyone to say hi to me, you, or anyone and we all should be doing that.
But I will say, you are pretty damn popular and I’m glad I’ve made friends with such a cool girl. You’ve introduced me to other “cool” people as well and it’s been incredible. Keep reaching out and connecting cool people!
Rich – I guess cool really IS a conundrum we never really master because I never would have guessed that you had any “issues” being cool. I’ve just always seen you that way. Perhaps the time you spent in college growing your confidence and your self has translated into the person you are today. I think there are two types of “popularity.” There is the shallow type based on superficiality, ranking games and power plays and then there are people who become “popular” based on their accomplishments, good merits and kind demeanors. I think the latter are the folks, as Tyler would say, who are popular AND influential.
And I will forever adore you for calling me a “cool girl,” but still be a bit awestruck at the statement.
I’ve never put you in an unreachable group – but I think it’s because I can totally relate to the part about being a huge mega dork. I can see that in people and people that I see that in are never too far out of my reach.
Was I floored when you started commenting on my blog? HELL TO THE YES. But I’m floored when ANYONE does – and to have you among the likes of my little circle over there on Unfiltered makes me smile. A lot. Mainly – because you offer MEGA BRAIN FOOD in my comments section. And to that – I say THANK YOU.
If anyone thinks of me the way they think of you – I’d like to join you in saying PLEASE STOP. We’re all people. Some of us are nice. Some of us suck. Some of us are great writers. Some of us are unknown. At the end of the day – no matter where you lie in the popularity scale of things, we’re all people – and people like recognition, be it in the form of @ replies, comments, whatever.
I’m a huge mega dork too. And I’m glad that I’m comfortable enough to realize that. I’m glad you’re a huge mega dork – because that means we automatically have something in common.
This comment is total mind vomit. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense.
Sydney´s last blog ..Being. Doing. Having: Unfiltered.
Sydney – Your mind vomit is TOTALLY my MEGA BRAIN FOOD! I’m so glad to see you here! What you say is one of the most important things I was trying to get to (‘cept you did it MUCH more pointedly and straight-forward!) At the end of the day we are all people. And the high school shenanigans that keep happening online are just silly and…high school! If we have learned NOTHING from teen movies it is that the world you live in those 4 years is infrequently reality. You have to take time to get to know people beyond yearbooks and extra-curriculars and grades. Otherwise you never know THEM and you miss out on LOTS. And the kids that just spend their time trying to convince everyone how popular and cool they are frequently aren’t.
The greatest people in high school were the folks who just went along, did their own thing, were happy and kind and kicked ass in their own special little way.
I melted when I read this. I think so many people can relate. At least I can.
I don’t understand when people put people on pedestals, but I do understand when people look up to others. Which in your case as you talk about it here, you can feel flattered
I really appreciate your honesty and openness. I simply don’t read blogs anymore that have an air of pretentiousness or create this ‘group’ online that becomes like a clique (re: my tweet the other day about high school social media crap)! You’re so real, Elisa and it’s very clear from your writing and every interaction I have with you.
I wish I could give you a big hug and cheers with a nice (New England) beer! Someday soon, yeah?
Beautiful post!
Grace Boyle´s last blog ..Life Is a Process of Becoming
Grace – If I could ask for no greater compliment it would be that people think I’m “real.” In fact, most online people I’ve met/chatted with/emailed with have all agreed that I was just how they pictured from my dealings online. (‘Cept the ones who thought I was so much cooler for deigning to talk to them…still rocking my little brain world on that one.)
I grow leery of putting people on pedastal cause if I’ve learned nothing about pedastal people it is that they tend to fall off and break. When you emulate someone you tend to only see the good things and totally miss out on the bad. When you see the bad it is then 100 times worse! It’s one thing to admire, it’s another to worship.
PS – I have unsubscribed to SO MANY of the pretentious and “cliquey” blogs as well. I want to like Freddie and Julia, I just have watched past the 75 minutes, tried to learn the dance and desperately sought for the good deep within and have had to give up now.
Elisa´s last blog ..Called Out
I want to fist pump you. (Nooo, not that way Elisa. Get your head out of the gutter.)
As you know, I hate when people just compliment each other to death, especially when it’s not genuine. And when they do it just so they can sit at the cool kids table – SUPER ANNOYING! Although in your case, any time I say “Elisa effing rules” – I truly mean it. You’re one of my favorite virtual people! That’s right, I haven’t met you (yet) so in my head you’re made of bytes and not blood.
I’ve had my fair share of e-mails from people saying stuff like “I can’t believe I’m talking to you!” It’s just strange. Do people really see other people as cyber Gods online? I can’t wrap my head around that. Although I suppose I’ve been on the other side of the table too. For example, last night I was talking to someone who works for Google and to me I just can’t figure out why she is talking to me. Somehow I go into my Middle School Mode and my palms start to sweat. All my insecurities come forward, I lose my cool and blurt out stupid things. Very embarrassing. Although instead of booting me from the cool kids table, she pulls my chair in closer.
The moral of the story…yes she is a cool kid on the outside and I suppose some would say I am too, BUT we both have geek on the inside. We are ALL made up of cool and geek. Some wear their cool on the outside and their geek on the inside, others wear their geek on the outside and their cool lurks within. However your personality is dressed is fine.
So your Mom was right – you can’t judge a book by its cover. Get to know the person. Stop putting them on a pedestal and stop kicking others in the mud. Talk to them. Talk to me. I’m not scary. I’m just another dude. You can attest to that, right Elisa?
“First off I have to go on record saying that in high school, I wasn’t even cool enough to hang out with the other band geeks.” – This makes me want to hug you. And it’s things like this that I love about you, that you’re comfortable in your own skin to be so candid. That is exactly why I would wear a white shirt around you because if you’re not worried to just be yourself, I’m not worried either (inside joke, no one else would understand).
end comment novel
David´s last blog ..HP dm3 Laptop Winner Announced!
David – Seriously, can you be my favorite boy online? I won’t put you on a pedastal cause I already know way to much about you to put you up there. Which is one of the things I adore about getting to know someone better thru emails/messages/chat/IRL. The same as ANY relationship you learn to like the bad with the good.
And whether it is REALLY something bad or just the fact that they aren’t the idea of the cool person you once had in mind (ie Elisa wasn’t even cool enough to hang out with the other band geeks in high school.) You are right, we all have the pieces of the “good” and the “bad” to us. My concern is that we look only superficially enough to see the good and never taking the time to embrace the “bad.”
And the fact that you will wear a white shirt around me is just further proof that there is good underneath those blunt posts. Even if no one know what the hell I’m talking about!
Awesome post, Elisa! We are all dorks in our own way. That is what makes the world go round. But, sometimes we need to remind ourselves, and the rest of the world, of the fact. It gets our feet back on the ground
Kristina´s last blog ..The Start of Something New
Kristina – Yes, we need dorks as much as we need rockstars. I think sometimes we get so caught up floating in the clouds we totally DON’T have our feet on the ground and lose sight of reality. We THINK we are connecting and growing and being admired but in reality we are simply becoming pale imitations of the great people we once were. The dorks who just stayed themselves.
Bear with me here…I’m a little bit hopped up on medicine and ready to fall asleep at any second, but I’ve been meaning to comment on your other blog posts for a few days now and want to say something about this one as well. And I’m going to get personal, so bear with me take two. And it’s not going to make much sense, so…take three:
Perceptions are really funny. There are some things I know to be true about myself, but when someone say something nice about me, I truly, truly don’t know where it’s coming from. It’s humility to a fault and I’m trying desperately to work on that, but it’s true. The way you see yourself is never, ever, ever how others see you. So you might see yourself as a dork, Elisa, but I want you to know that I, and I’m pretty sure others, see you as a loving, fun, intelligent girl with a ton to offer.
Talking more about pedestals and perceptions…When I was in high school, I was friendly with a lot of groups but very close friends with only a few. It’s interesting because I see the pattern repeating in real life, and it’s not necessarily something I want. These people I’m close friends with — I love and appreciate them because they’ve taken the time to get to know me, to break through this guard I keep. I *want* people to get to know me. I want them to know I’m human, that I have many, many (many, many, did I mention many?) flaws.
That’s the best part about blogging and, quite possibly, the appeal for me — reading others’ blogs, writing my own blog and being so open and honest (which is why I so admire bloggers who do so, like you, like this post) because for me, at least, it’s about connecting. No, not networking, CONNECTING. Realizing that we share similar experiences, helping each other through those experiences by shared stories and conversations. Selfishly, I want those relationships, I want that equality. You can’t have that with one person on a pedestal and another on the ground.
So while I have these close friendships with few, I would love those relationships with more — that’s why I personally reach out to people I want to get to know, for no other reason than I appreciate them and want to get to know them. And when I’ve done so in the past, I’ve been met with some disappointment, but more often with genuine and meaningful reciprocity. People aren’t just names. I think that’s the thing that’s so easy to forget in this social media world. If you send an email, start a conversation, it’s almost guaranteed, as soon as that happens, a true relationship can begin. That’s the social part for me. The media is just the medium.
Ok, I told you that wouldn’t make sense. And I apologize for the sequel to David’s novel of a comment. But beautiful post that obviously stirred a lot of emotion and opinion. Thanks, always, for doing that, Elisa!
Susan Pogorzelski´s last blog ..Wild Horses Couldn’t Take Me Away
Susan, your comment was beautiful and insightful as always. I think you are very right, we base a lot of our current approaches to “making new friends” on the same processes we learned in high school. Which is probably why we end up with the same fears and reservations now. No matter how much people tell me that it’s all deserved and whatnot, I still feel like they are somehow MISSING some piece of my personality and that as soon as they find out they’ll all run away. It’s safer to just keep people out and not let the potential hurt in. But we miss out on so much.
We miss out on a lot of great people in high school judging and shutting people out. How horrible to keep that with us. It’s amazing that you are working to reach out and develop relationships. Anyone would be lucky and blessed to have you as a friend Susan. I know I am.
You say you were not in the ‘in crowd’ in high school and are a total dork. You cannot understand how people think you are so ‘cool’ When I was in high school – a half century ago – I was the total geek, dork person with no life. I was in involved in activities just to be with people. My usual time when I was not at school was home sitting in front of the tube. Today you think people think I am so with it and cool but I am still that geek, dork from the 60′s who sits at home only now in front of a computer. Remember one of those big dorks in high school started a small computer company a few years ago – Microsoft. Look how ‘cool’ and liked he is today.
You are much more popular and ‘cool’ than you give yourself credit for. I give you the fact that you would rather sit at home with a good book and some Sinatra on the stereo, but when you go out it is rarely alone. You earn respect and love from most people you become involved with and if that is being dorky, there is something wrong with the world today.
I am proud of all you have done with your life and your relationships and friendships you have established. Granted you may have only 1 or 2 really close friends but that is the way most people are. What I hopefully saying is don’t sell yourself short. Your are a great person even if you like doing dorky stuff.
Aw, P-Diddy, I know that you are an adorable dork, it’s where I get it from! And it’s a trait I’m happy to inherit!
My point was not that I’m unhappy being a dork or feel like I’m not “worthwhile.” In fact, as you point out, I EMBRACE my dorkiness. If other people have a problem with it, well…frankly…that is their problem.
My point was moreso that people seem to be putting me on this pedastal where they aren’t seeing the dorky side. They say things like they “never thought they’d be talking to me” or I’m “so cool” which couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’d rather have people like me, my writing and my blog because they are seeing the real me than some idea that I’ll never be able to live up to. Real people are much better.
I was just telling someone the other day that even though I enjoyed high school, there is literally no amount of money that could get me to go back and live it again. And yet, as you said, it seems that the “groups” and the “cliques” haven’t faded, they’re just shifted around a bit.
I’ve been on both sides of this- been totally intimidated by someone online and had people tell me I was that person for them. The whole thing blows my mind. I mean… aren’t we all just people? And if we can relate to something someone says, that automatically puts us on the same level.
Nicole – SO well stated. I wouldn’t necessarily trade my HS days but I would NEVER go thru it again either. The cliques and groups are the worst part. Especially cause you know that in HS there were two different ways groups were formed.
The first is because you were friends or had common interests. And the grouping just happened. And then there’s the cliques that get formed and THOSE are essentially ways to promote yourself among rankings, become authorities on high school society and control ideas and people. Kinda like what happens now. Blech!
Even if I wasn’t part of a group as cool as the band geeks, I’m comfortable in the fact that I didn’t get sucked into any cliques either. And I’m going out of my way to try to make sure it doesn’t happen now.
Well, we talked about this the other night. And I’ve had some time to think before leaving a comment. No, I’m not going to yell at you on here about thinking you aren’t cool and such. I just kept thinking about what you said about people putting you on a “pedestal”. I know for me, I don’t put you so much on a pedestal. I’ve learned that those people can get knocked off as quickly as they climb onto them. It’s more so, you are a good person. Truly. You are funny, witty, intelligent, and talented. Why wouldn’t I want someone like that in my life? Hey, I’ve been with you for life times now, obviously something brings us together. It’s so hard to find people like that in today’s world, that when you find them you cling onto them. You know as well as I do that this can all be taken away tomorrow. There’s a quote by Ana Cummings, “Don’t save you loving speeches for your friends’ tombstones. Speak them now rather instead”.
I want to tell you how amazing you are because I never want to be too late with it. You’ve never taken compliments well, ever. And I can’t say much, I still argue when people say something nice about me. But sometimes you just have to let people do it. It goes back to your blog about letting people in, take down that brick. Let someone look in. Hell, let 10 people look in. And if someone does put you on a pedestal, well it turns into a life lesson for them. Pedestals are nothing but golden idols that someday will crumble. Not saying that you are doomed for something someday. But you are human and you make wonderful foibles
Your pedestal can be knocked out from underneath you just as quickly as anyone’s. Just don’t confuse a pedestal invitation with a compliment. They may seem to be one in the same, but one means so much more than the other.
Amy – The post is not to question who I am or if I’m good enough. Though I have the same moments of self-doubt that most everyone has, I’m pretty happy with myself. We are so desperate to make sure we are all accepting compliments and trying to be humble while still confident. We are to the point where we have no tolerance to be happy and love ourselves, flaws and all. We find our strengths, call out our accomplishments, plunge in and rise to the top based on only the good.
But each of us has bad. Some bad is worse than others. For me, anyone who thinks I’m some popular cool girl – well – they are only seeing the good. They are only seeing one side, they are painting a picture of me like a Picasso that is disjointed and partial. There’s so much more, and I never try to hide the dorky, awkward band geek side of me. I actually embrace those traits.
I worry that people ARE putting me on a pedastal, and I’m worried about the fall that will happen. So many people climb online and social media putting out only the good. Writing about how they are experts, talking about all the “directions” of how to do things, promoting and plotting and planning. It’s not about all the good or all the bad. It’s about who we are when we put it all together.
First of all, I LOVE how you related this to high school grades, dances, and teen movies. Because that’s so the evolution that some of this has taken. I’ve found that when I’ve reached out and emailed someone I’ve been stupidly crushing on and intimidated by, they’re always thrilled that someone took the time to say something and have started some of the strongest connections I have with people who inspire and encourage me. And I try to make it a point – ESPECIALLY with NEW readers and commenters – to respond and connect with people. That’s my favorite thing about blogging – the connections it opens and like Nicole said – we’re all just people, and the more we can relate to each other, the better
Did any of this make sense? HA.
Doniree´s last blog ..Best of 2009 – Best Restaurant Experience
Doni – It all makes total sense. And it’s the reality. With MOST of the people we mindcrush on we are putting them in these fake social levels we’ll never be part of (hello High School!?) The difference is that in high school we let those levels rule. The cool kids table exists merely because we allow it to. And the more people who take a stand to say “No more” and break down the levels, the less power they hold. The less “experts” there are. The more real we can all be.
(PS – I’m SO happy you reach out to me both initiating and reciprocating!)
A friend of mine shared this post in google reader and I have to say, this post was great. What I respect most about it is your ability to be humble. I think if I was a huge deal online, I would definitely turn into a rock star and start doing unfathomable amounts of drugs.
Because thats what rock stars do.
Matt´s last blog ..Learning to fly
Haha, well we all just wanna be big rockstars, right? Thanks for stopping by, I’ve added YOUR blog to MY reader now and I look forward to seeing more in the future.
So, you think of yourself as a dork who shouldn’t be on a pedestal. O.K. but you are a great person who is handling what life throws at her. Can we ask for more. I think not. Other people have their own perceptions and problems..that is their lives, not yours. You can call yourself out, because you do have the amazing ability to see clarity in most situations. As far as taking compliments, I agree with Amy. You have never taken them well and always shied away from any kind of praise. You are loving, caring honest, and funny. You are intelligent, hard working, and social when you choose. You crave alone time, but you do not shut the world out. You are human and vulnerable, but so levelheaded, it astounds me. I am not pedestaling you, I am telling you som e hard truths you need to accept about yourself. Also you can cook…..
I don’t think that being able to take compliments goes hand in hand with the right to be on a pedastal. I don’t think ANYONE should be on a pedastal. Rarely are they able to live up to the expectations we set for them. And that is what I worry is beginning to happen, when people start talking about how they never thought they could be “at my level” or that I would “ever talk to them.” That’s just silly. As someone who knows me so well, you KNOW how silly that is.
I never said that I’m not any of those things. I actually think I’m pretty swell. But I’m a pretty swell real person. Not an amazingly inaccessible idea of a girl.
But I do love you for saying it.
So maybe blogging is a lot like high school
Great way of putting it, by the way. I only just discovered your blog, so I haven’t had the chance to put you in any level of person except awesome, and that’s the way it should be, I think!
Jocelyn´s last blog ..To Berlin and Back Again, Twice: Part One
Thanks so much for stopping by! Yes, I’m always a little surprised to see us all as adults playing out fights from high school. But I guess some things just stay with us (personally, I’m happy Day-Glo and wide legged jeans stayed behind though!) Glad you reached out, looking forward to interacting more in posts to come!
really really interesting read
mugs´s last blog ..Wake Up With Me
I recently added your blog to my reader and I took Xmas day to catch up with my reader- and I got around to reading some of your recent posts. As I read this one I thought about what I wrote about you earlier and how we sometimes but our heroes and role models on pedestals- no matter how big they really are in life.
This is a great post, and I am happy to have discovered your blog!
Patrick´s last blog ..Nominated: Brazen Careerist Blogger Of The Year 2009
Patrick – Thanks for stopping by and adding me to your Reader. Tall order to fill, hope I continue to engage and entertain you!
What you wrote was so nice, but yes, as you said we put people on pedestals and it’s hard to reach people there when you’re on the ground. I never would have known what you said if YOU weren’t such a great writer that I voted for you and then went to your blog. And how sad would that have been, for you to write such kind things and then have it slip away unnoticed (for anyone wondering what I’m talking about check out the post linked in Patrick’s comment http://www.dmbosstone.com/2009/12/patrick-pho-brazen-careerist-blogger-of-the-year-2009/)
I told James Moreau, I don’t care that I didn’t win, cause the way things worked out I feel like I got something even better than an award to hang on my site.