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Love Happens – If You Let It

3 February 2010 32 Comments

When Elisa emailed asking me to contribute a guest post for her “All You Need is Love” series, it struck a little (okay a lot of) terror in my heart. “What the HELL do I know about love?” I said out loud to the friend I was with. We both chuckled. I’m 26 and it’s no secret that my dating life often leaves – well – much to be desired in the way of passionate romance. Which is funny, because I’m like a walking feeling machine with an inner romantic so sappy it puts most RomComs to shame.

So I sat with the following questions for a few weeks before I was ready to write: What do I know about love? What do I want to say about love? Can I “add value” to this series without being sure that I’ve ever experienced true passionate, romantic, soul-connected love?

Thankfully, I’ve had a little help these last few months. Help with being honest and saying how I feel, and with having both be okay. Help with feeling vulnerable and scared and irrational. Help with seeing myself through another person’s eyes. The Boy (as he will hereafter be called), has been a tremendous teacher, and someone who I have developed a very real connection with. A connection unlike anything I’ve experienced before. (Crickets?)

“If you’re a fool for Love, you’re no fool at all. Vulnerability is a sign of strength, an absence of fear.” -Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

After an emotional roller coaster of a day in which I admitted to feeling scared of being so vulnerable, The Boy told me the following: “If you want a relationship with any guy, you’re going to have to get over your fear of feeling vulnerable. Because if you don’t, he will never be able to get to know you like you want him to and he will never be able to understand you like you wish he would. Plus you won’t be able to develop any type of deeper, more meaningful connection with him.”

THUNK. I knew he was right. And for the first time, I understood what it meant to let go of the reigns a little bit – to lift the oars – and stop protecting myself so damn much. Because I was protecting myself from what I want most in this world, which is to feel truly seen and appreciated – and maybe, just maybe – one day even loved.

Photo Credit: Getty Images – FoodCollection

“Love has a way of finding you if you believe in it and have the courage to let it in.” -Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

Love is not something you do, like an item on a checklist. It is not some goal you reach, and it is not something you can dictate or control (despite our attempts at being “rational”). I’m sure I am regurgitating thousands of years of wisdom when I say that love is something you ALLOW. It is not a mountain you climb. It is something wonderful you sink into. They call it “falling in love” for a reason – you have to throw your hands up, let go, and free yourself of fear and insecurity in order to let love in.

Finally, when it comes to love I’ve learned that there can’t be conditions about feelings you are expecting in return. Love doesn’t work that way, because love is a gift you give to yourself and to the other person. It is the gift of allowing yourself to open up to someone without knowing how they will respond. Love is seeing yourself as wonderful, irresistible and whole – and it is even better when you have the help of seeing those qualities in yourself through another person’s eyes.

“We are what we believe we are.” -C.S. Lewis

Feeling optimistic about life and somewhat exhausted by traditional goals, I’m consciously letting go a little bit this year and sharing the same (more intangible) 2010 resolution with Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love: “My 2010 New Year’s Resolution is to continue to create a life from my heart, to allow instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look back, and to know that I am worth it.”

All You Need Blogger: Jenny Blake

When she’s not staring all Googley-eyed at her computer fantasizing about love (even though the L-word slightly terrifies her), Jenny blogs at Life After College and works at Google as a Career Development Program Manager. She generally looks for someone who is active and loves dogs, football, gadgets, moleskines and good music – and who will take her for long walks on the beach at sunset. Wait – who are we kidding. Someone to tolerate her cupcake obsession would be a good enough start.  Follow her on Twitter @jenny_blake.

Song: Pearl Jam – Fools Rush In

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When Elisa emailed asking me to contribute a guest post for her “All You Need is Love” series, it struck a little (okay a lot of) terror in my heart. “What the HELL do I know about love?” I said out loud to the friend I was with. We both chuckled. I’m 26 and it’s no secret that my dating life often leaves – well – much to be desired in the way of passionate romance. Which is funny, because I’m like a walking feeling machine with an inner romantic so sappy it puts most RomComs to shame.

So I sat with the following questions for a few weeks before I was ready to write: What do I know about love? What do I want to say about love? Can I “add value” to this series without being sure that I’ve ever experienced true passionate, romantic, soul-connected love?

Thankfully, I’ve had a little help these last few months. Help with being honest and saying how I feel, and with having both be okay. Help with feeling vulnerable and scared and irrational. Help with seeing myself through another person’s eyes. The Boy (as he will hereafter be called), has been a tremendous teacher, and someone who I have developed a very real connection with. A connection unlike anything I’ve never experienced before.

“If you’re a fool for Love, you’re no fool at all. Vulnerability is a sign of strength, an absence of fear.” -Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

After an emotional roller coaster of a day in which I admitted to feeling scared of being so vulnerable, The Boy told me the following: “If you want a relationship with any guy, you’re going to have to get over your fear of feeling vulnerable. Because if you don’t, he will never be able to get to know you like you want him to and he will never be able to understand you like you wish he would. Plus you won’t be able to develop any type of deeper, more meaningful connection with him.”

THUNK. I knew he was right. And for the first time, I understood what it meant to let go of the reigns a little bit – to lift the oars – and stop protecting myself so damn much. Because I was protecting myself from what I want most in this world, which is to feel truly seen and appreciated – and maybe, just maybe – one day even loved.

“Love has a way of finding you if you believe in it and have the courage to let it in.” -Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

Love is not something you do, like an item on a checklist. It is not some goal you reach, and it is not something you can dictate or control (despite our attempts at being “rational”). I’m sure I am regurgitating thousands of years of wisdom when I say that love is something you ALLOW. It is not a mountain you climb. It is something wonderful you sink into. They call it “falling in love” for a reason – you have to throw your hands up, let go, and free yourself of fear and insecurity in order to let love in.

Finally, when it comes to love I’ve learned that there can’t be conditions about feelings you are expecting in return. Love doesn’t work that way, because love is a gift you give to yourself and to the other person. It is the gift of allowing yourself to open up to someone without knowing how they will respond. Love is seeing yourself as wonderful, irresistible and whole – and it is even better when you have the help of seeing those qualities in yourself through another person’s eyes.

“We are what we believe we are.” -C.S. Lewis

To The Boy I say: thank you for helping me believe that I am lovable. You have truly brought out the best in me, and I am a better person for knowing you. Almost every day since we started talking I’ve felt giddy and excited – kind of like this. (Crickets?)

My 2010 Resolution

Feeling optimistic about life and somewhat exhausted by traditional goals, I’m consciously letting go a little bit this year and sharing the same (more intangible) 2010 resolution with Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love: “My 2010 New Year’s Resolution is to continue to create a life from my heart, to allow instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look back, and to know that I am worth it.”

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  • Pingback: Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love « Life After College by Jenny Blake

  • http://www.workinonaramp.com Jenny

    “Love” this Jenny. The ‘L’ word is definitely a scary one, but well put.. Mr. Tolle has not yet explained how love fits into the present thinking, but I’m sure he will soon. Great post.

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Thanks Jenny! Yeah, Ekhart’s next book should be about The Big L (My friends and I call him “The Mole” btw). As Tolle says, it’s amazing how much easier love becomes when we focus on the present moment – expanding the joy and beauty in everyday things and people. I think only when we focus on abundance – how much love we already have in our lives – can we truly share it with others. Write that down, Tolle! ;-)
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.com Grace Boyle

    Jenny, your honesty is so touching. I’m just obsessed with this series, already! [Brilliant Elisa, brilliant]

    You know why blogging is so great, we get an external and internal view of a person overtime. You can hearing dating woes and confusion, then hear happy stories like you Jenny learning from The Boy. It’s beautiful, really. He has sound advice and I can only imagine how gratifying and fulfilling it is to lift the oars and feel…and let go.
    .-= Grace Boyle´s last blog ..Pick Your Place and Let The Rest Fall Into Place =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa

      Grace – I know, I was taken aback in a good way by the raw honesty and beauty of Jenny’s post. As someone who has loved in her own little way for the last 10 years, it was refreshing to hear someone else talking about the fear of vulnerability and the power to overcome that fear by facing it head-on.

      We all have different reasons we love or don’t love. Some are easy, some require years of expensive therapy sessions on a cushiony leather sofa. :)

      Regardless, no matter how the “situation” ends up, I feel like we learn bits and pieces along the way not only about HOW to “love” but more importantly about ourselves. And it is in learning about ourselves, understanding ourselves and accepting ourselves that we finally learn enough about loving ourselves to let someone else do it too.

      It’s a powerful thing, to see yourself through someone else’s eyes and be happy with what you are seeing.

      (PS – I’ll go on record saying that this isn’t the ONLY way to learn/understand/accept/love ourselves but its certainly one great one!)

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Thank you so much Grace! It’s funny, I would have never had the guts to write about this on my own blog…but somehow felt I could take the risk as part of a broader community of bloggers all sharing their thoughts on love. Big props to Elisa for that!

      It’s true that it feels incredibly gratifying to lift the oars and let go. Mostly it feels like a huge relief – a giant, long exhale in which I can relax and just be myself. I think that’s important to remember whether it comes to love or life in general – remembering to relax and “fall into” whatever comes our way (go with the flow, to stick with the river analogy) – and be honest with ourselves about who we are and what we need. IMHO, that’s where love, happiness and peace of mind can really flourish :) .
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

  • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

    Yesterday it felt like Carlos’s guest post had a little love mixed with hate in it, but today the series is back on swoony track. Well done, Jenny!

    You know why I thoroughly enjoyed this post? Because it was mixed with tiny little bits of wisdom, iced in adorableness, sprinkled with love and baked to perfection! Too much? Too sickening sweet of an analogy? Ok, fine. Then I’ll just say that Will Ferrell “Elf” video clip cracked me up! Massive knucklebump!

    Seriously, it is difficult to allow yourself to feel completely vulnerable and be open to a situation that feels a little scary walking into. But once you’re there, it’s like you’ve been wrapped in a big, pink, fuzzy blanket and squeezed tightly until you’re all warm and melting inside. (insert collective aww here)

    I like having control over my life, but I’ve learned that love is one of those things you can’t really control. You can’t even control who you fall in love with, it just sort of happens. It sprouts up on you out of nowhere, like a weed busting through a crack in the sidewalk. Of course the only difference is you don’t want to rip it out or stomp it down. Instead you want to nurture it and see what it can grow into.

    (If weeds can’t turn into flowers then I totally butchered that analogy too.)
    .-= David´s last blog ..Doodled Her Way Into My Heart =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa

      David – Dandelions are weeds. So are thistles, clovers and my personal favorite “Forget-Me-Nots.” Often weeds are just classified as “wildflowers” cause it makes them sound better. Interesting tidbit that could or could not be read into further.

      I am a fear of the vulnerable, that’s no secret. When you learn to depend on yourself for so much in life, it’s quite frankly terrifying to think that you could let someone else into your “inner sanctum” and still be safe. Like the big warm fuzzy blankety feeling will instead get drenched and crush you and bring you to the ground. But I’ll take your word for it that that doesn’t happen. How’s THAT for trying to control the situation?

      As for the ordering of the posts, it’s so weird. It’s like the author of this blog painstakingly planned out the series post by post to offer opposing and new opinions daily to constantly keep people thinking. Weird… :D

      • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

        Weeds are really just “wildflowers” blooming where they may – perfect! You took my weed/flower analogy, which I thought was idiotic of me to say, and turned it into something thought provoking that actually works! Thank you! And I like the Forget-Me-Nots too. Good pick. :)

        I’m with Grace when I say I’ll already addicted to your Blog Series, Elisa!
        .-= David´s last blog ..Doodled Her Way Into My Heart =-.

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      David – your ability to compliment through a four-part cupcake analogy impresses me to no end! “Mixed with wisdom, iced in adorableness, sprinkled with love and baked to perfection” – swoon! The key to a cupcake-loving writer’s heart.

      The Elf clip cracks me up too – the first time someone sent it to me I laughed out loud at how ridiculously true it was. Sure, Will Ferrel is a big goofball – but hopefully we all get to experience that giddy, spinning around the room shouting at the top of our lungs feeling of joy that romantic love can bring. The kind where co-workers and friends ask what the hell we’re so happy about.

      What you said about control – and what Elisa said about depending on yourself for so much in life – is sooooo, so true for me. I am used to doing things that I choose, at the pace I choose, and at the times I choose. And I’m used to doing all that by myself – supporting myself and my needs on my own (even if that does get a little lonely at times).

      So when love sneaks up – the kind I’ve never seen or experienced – yes, it scares the shit out of me. Because allowing myself to completely open up (and be vulnerable) is not something I’ve ever really done before. But I’m a firm believer that scary just means the opportunity is big enough. As for putting two people’s brains/hearts/etc together? Just seems like a recipe for crazy. Crazy cupcakes! But hopefully crazy delicious too :)
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

  • http://positivelypresent.com Positively Present

    What a great post! I’m also focusing on love over at Positively Present this month (so original, I know, haha) so it was great to read this. It’s definitely something I could relate to so thanks for sharing Jenny and Elisa! :)
    .-= Positively Present´s last blog ..L.O.V.E.: 4 unique ways to express your love =-.

  • http://www.valeriemondesir.com Valerie M

    I loved this post, Jenny… and The Boy is so right. One thing I’ve learned (and what I’m getting from this post) is it’s impossible to love someone else if you can’t love yourself first. Because if you don’t love yourself and accept yourself, you can’t even open up to yourself… much less anyone else. I think once you learn to love and accept yourself, vulnerability becomes sort of a non-issue. What is there to be vulnerable about if you know what you’re about, what you stand for, and you accept it with every ounce of your being?

    Lastly, it doesn’t seem to be a prerequisite to love yourself to have a ‘love life’… although it definitely should be. Too many relationships are so dysfunctional and just puts up a facade of ‘love.’ Then people turn around and say, “Well, I’m normal… relationships/marriages SUCK.” I just want to tell them, even if it’s hard to hear: No, YOU’RE the problem… not because you’re imperfect or because you don’t deserve love… but because YOU think you don’t deserve it!

    Jenny, I’m in the same boat as you… my love life leaves a lot to be desired, but I’m probably far too optimistic for my own good (but, so what… ask and ye shall receive)! It is a learning journey, to say the least. So.. I can definitely relate.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa

      Valerie – I agree very much that you have to love yourself to let others love you. On the flip side, I wonder if vulnerability is totally based on that. I believe that some feel vulnerability because they are afraid people won’t like what they see when they fully expose themselves. Then there are others that have led SUCH a life on independence and control that it is frightening to let someone else in there. When you’ve spent so much of your life depending on yourself it is hard to learn that sometimes you have to depend on someone else (even if it is as simple as depending on them to do the dishes after you go to bed or take out the trash…)

      As for you are the problem…AMEN SISTER! If the situation changes time and time again and the only constant is yourself, well then by all levels of logic and scientific method/theory then it is YOU. Nothing about emotions or relationships or anything like that. Perhaps it’s time to take some time to turn that mirror back on yourself and figure out what you’ve got going on.
      .-= Elisa´s last blog ..Love Happens – If You Let It =-.

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Valerie – I really loved your comment. There is one thing I would like to say about the whole “you have to love yourself first” line of thinking that we read everywhere. While I totally agree, there is also a side of it that I think can hold people back. I’ve almost been a prisoner to that notion for most of my life, in the sense that I’ve felt like “if I don’t love myself 100% ALL OF THE TIME, then I’m not worthy of love.” I turned it into something black and white (as perfectionists and all-or-nothing thinkers tend to do) and that held me back as much as my insecurities did.

      The beautiful thing about this experience for me – and The Boy – are that both have helped me grow and love myself more. They’ve really taught me that I don’t have to be perfect to be happy – or better, to make someone else happy. Making someone else laugh and being able to make their day combined with hearing them say what I mean to them, or what they see in me – has truly helped me learn to love myself more. I agree with Elisa that love isn’t the only way to do that – but I’ve never experienced it this way before, and I have to say, it’s a nice break from reading self-help books alone (as much as I love that aspect of personal growth!).

      Now, all that said – SOOOOO true that people shouldn’t complain about a dysfunctional relationship without first taking a very close look at their own fears, doubts and insecurities. Only if we are operating from a place of truth – not fear – can two people really come together successfully. And that’s not to say fear or insecurity won’t creep in – we just need to notice/diffuse it when it does. I also second Elisa’s AMEN SISTA on the only constant is you – and that love and happiness starts (and ultimately ends with) you. I find that scary but ultimately empowering.

      And cheers to optimism! In my opinion, there’s no better state to live in, which is partly why I love your blog so much :) Here’s to both of us embracing (and being optimistic about) love in 2010!
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

  • Amy

    Awesome post Jenny :) (I’m Elisa’s sister by the way, hi!). It is so very true that a lot of people are afraid to free fall into love because you don’t know what kind of support net will be there. I was in love not too long ago. And my support net was yanked from underneath me faster than a 3 Stooges sketch. But you know what? I would do it all again.

    Not yet though. The crazy thing about loving yourself and being loved in return is that you learn a lot about yourself from being in love. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be. I don’t take crap for long. And I know what I deserve now. I know what I’m capable of in a relationship for the most part and I’m excited to find out what else I’m capable of.

    I think being open to this whole love thing has a lot to do with how independent you truly are. I am independent. Pay my bills, think my own thoughts and tuck myself in at night. But the truth is, I’ve had an amazing sister and two devoted parents over my shoulder the whole way. If I slipped they were there to catch me. Without them and their willingness to show me that love is unconditional and forever forgiving, I don’t think I could be optimistic about love.

    What’s love gots to do with it? Everything, because to wake up and go to sleep without it would be the sad end to a lonely beginning.

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Thank you so much Amy! And very nice to virtually meet you :D . I’m sorry to hear that your experience of love was yanked out from under you so quickly. Amazing that you are still so optimistic in the face of that and that you would do it all over again. I think that is such a brave, noble trait (one that you and Elisa share) – to be positive, optimistic and hopeful about the future – not caught up or bitter about the past.

      I agree with you – I feel stronger for having opened up and let someone in – and for sharing so much. I’ve said this every day from the beginning of my time with The Boy – that if it ended tomorrow, I’d be SO thankful for what a gift it’s been, and for how much I’ve learned about love, life, relationships and myself.

      I’m super independent too – which is partly why I think guys are intimidated by me – but like you and Elisa, I have an incredibly supportive family (and network of friends) that I am eternally grateful for. My family’s love and encouragement are a model for what I’m looking for – but more, what I have to give. So I’m with you – love is what makes the world go around, and the more we can embrace (not run from) it, the more love we will experience – no matter where it comes from.
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

      • Amy

        Well I think you’re brave for opening yourself to unknown emotions. Don’t ever be scared of what you feel and what you know. If balanced correctly they can work to make your life wonderful. And if you are lucky enough you have those family members and friends to remind you which part is unbalanced and how to fix it :) It’s always ok to ask for help, even in love!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Amy – What friends and family teach up about love is even more sometimes than the relationships we cross into and out of in life. Those are the relationships that we cling to ESPECIALLY out of love. That we’ll persevere through purely because of love.

      Sure, there are situations where friends and family become just as toxic and we’ll leave them behind or phase them out of our lives, but the breaking point is so much higher. It teaches us quite a few things about unconditional love too…

  • http://www.cornonthejob.com Rich DeMatteo

    My quick tip – If you let go, you will always fall where you are supposed to.
    .-= Rich DeMatteo´s last blog ..Thoughts about starting out with a start-up =-.

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Rich – short and sweet – I love it! That’s a comforting thought :D And picture/bio is coming your way soon…I promise!
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Rich – So simple and true. Isn’t it funny how the simplest things are sometimes the hardest to understand and believe?!

      • http://www.cornonthejob.com Rich DeMatteo

        @Jenny @Elisa – The simplest things are often the most difficult to understand for sure. While I preach what I just said, I should probably start practicing it sooner or later!
        .-= Rich DeMatteo´s last blog ..3 Things to Remember Before Asking For a Pay Hike =-.

  • http://www.strawberryghetto.blogspot.com Mehnaz

    Fabulous post, Ms. Blake.

    I wrote about this ability or inability to let go and the whole dynamic we have with wanting to be strong women and yet facing the specter of vulnerability.
    I agree with Rich’s comment. If you let go, you will always end up where you’re supposed to.
    Sometimes in our effort to consciously control everything, we get tunnel vision and get stuck in a rut. If we just take a breath, sometimes that’s all we need.
    Great work!

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Mehnaz – thank you so much! I love what you said about taking a deep breath and allowing ourselves to get some perspective – to get out of the rut. I think it’s true that trying to control everything leads to a safe (and boring) life. I think an important part of life (and love) is taking risks – big ones! – and knowing that it’s worth it for how much we learn and grow – no matter how things turn out.
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Mehnaz – Isn’t it funny how a deep breath and a slow count to 10 can completely change your perspective on things? Even funnier, the more we let go of the tenuous hold we have on ourselves the more things open up and the more opportunities we have. It’s like those chinese finger trap things we used to play with as kids. Impossible to get out of when you struggled and pulled it tight but loosen the grip and relax and you’re free!

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com Sam Karol

    Jenny: You had nothing to worry about, you had a lot to share about love! The Boy is a wise one, and he’s given you some great advice…or maybe it’s best to call it guidance. It seems that his words have motivated you to open up your heart and mind ever so slightly, and by doing that, you’ve come to some important conclusions all on your own. One suggestion I can make is not to think so much about love, and just let it happen when it’s meant to. The summer Rob and I met, neither of us was looking for a relationship. In fact, we actively didn’t want a relationship. 4 1/2 years later, here we are. You just never know. I am quite sure that you’ll find your special someone someday, because you’re pretty special yourself :)
    .-= Sam Karol´s last blog ..Too Quick To Forgive, Too Eager To Hold a Grudge =-.

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Sam – thanks so much for stopping by – and for the wise words. I agree – one of the most important things we can do is just let life happen. The universe has a plan, there is no point in rushing it :D
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

  • TAllegra

    As the “friend” you asked that question of, I just wanted to say: Ms. Jenny, you know A LOT about love.

    With love and continual awe,
    T

    • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

      Aw, what on EARTH would I do without you?! Seriously. Live up in the trees, that’s what. So fun that you stopped by and commented – worlds collide! :D LOVE YOU!!!
      .-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Yes It’s True…I Blogged About Love =-.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Yay – welcome to my blog if only for a post!

      And I totally agree with your assessment, thus why I asked the beautiful Ms. Blake to write me a little ditty. I think the post and her following post on her own blog show yet another piece of the puzzle of why she’s gonna make someone a lucky lucky man one day.

      In the meantime, it’s all the more cupcakes and charts and wonderful for us. :D

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