I worked at my previous consulting job for a year after graduating college. No office romances, I was told by people and career blogs alike. Of course not, who would be so stupid? Even though my consulting company was full of people who cross-hooked up with each other in a drunken haze, I was always on my best behavior when hanging out with people from work. Or drunk somewhere else.

Then, nine months into the job, I got a new office mate. “You’ll learn to love me,” he said jokingly in the first week while I shrugged him off. Slowly but surely, we started talking. And sharing songs we liked on YouTube. And making each other laugh. Before I knew it, caution went out the door and we started seeing each other.

My feelings for him developed so fast. He was so smart, so great in team meetings. He constantly made me laugh. We both felt so comfortable with each other and time spent with him flew by. And then he would flake. He would say he’d call and wouldn’t. I would go crazy waiting for him to call and then pretend everything was fine and casual the next day in the office. I invited him to spend New Year’s with me and my friends. We partied all night long and he kept telling me how amazing I am. My head was in the clouds.

Photo Credit: Getty Images – Jonathan Kitchen

Which is why it hurt so bad when it all came crashing down. I started a new job immediately after New Year’s and that’s when his phone calls stopped. And he started ignoring mine. It took me only two unreturned phone calls to figure it out and I stepped out of the situation, mostly to keep my pride. Except I was still in it – I was involved as ever. I would block him on GChat and then download a program to see if he blocked me. We’re not friends on Facebook, so I would friend our co-workers in hopes of catching a picture of him, of finding out what he was doing. My behavior was obsessive and stalkerish – who was this person and where did the confident me go?

My mind did not understand how you could be close to someone in one moment and have them ignore your existence the next. I did not understand how I did not matter to him anymore, how he could act like I never did. My mind kept turning on itself, remembering how in love I was and not willing to accept that it was over. Or that maybe most of it was in my head. Maybe to him it never meant that much. Maybe he just needed someone when he was lonely.

For a month I cried myself to sleep. I cried when walking to get lunch during the day. I cried in the bathroom at my new job. I cried in the shower. I called a friend and cried to him for an hour every evening, while he told me that this too shall pass and that I really should not be expecting much from 23-year-olds. I read books about depression to feel better, to feel that someone understands. I went out with friends, dressed up, laughed and flirted with other guys only to come home and cry myself to sleep. Every weekend I woke up with a sharp feeling of loneliness. My browser search history was filled with “do people reconcile” and “how to make him come back.”

It’s funny how this story sounds like a thousand other stories I’ve read in my search for an answer of what went wrong, how I could get him to come back or just start feeling like my old self again. It’s been a month since I talked or saw him and I only now am starting to feel like he’s moving into the past or that my present is moving out of the dark cloud I found myself in. At least he did me a favor by cutting me off completely – no taunting “I miss you” text messages at 2 am.

I still wonder what the hell happened. How I could have been so lonely, then so happy when he came along and so depressed and lonely again. The thought of him not caring about me is getting less painful every day. I wonder what it means to love at 23. I know I was in love with him, but I wonder if he would invalidate it or think that I’m crazy for thinking that. I wonder how I can ever trust yourself again to launch into something with someone else, having been discarded so easily and abruptly.

And yet I know that I will.

If I had to do it all over again with him, knowing the painful outcome, I would jump into it without a second thought. And I will launch into something new without a doubt because those moments are worth it. Those moments where you feel so comfortable that you do no have to talk, when you are so happy and so in love are worth the pain that follows.

All You Need Blogger: Irina

Irina is a young professional working in San Francisco, trying to figure out this whole love thing.

Song: Robbie Williams – Feel

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