I’d say about 90% of the time, she does nothing. Literally. She simply lies there. She can’t tell me a joke or run an errand. She doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling or give me birthday presents. She can’t even roll over or lift her head.
But I love her.
She’s my daughter.
From the moment she shattered my 6-year-old understanding of what my family was and broke into my world, I was taken by her, smitten with an unconditional love. Pink and wiggly with eyes that could barely open, I knew that I would do anything for her. Forever. Even now, when she can do nothing for me.
Photo Credit – Getty Images: Studio Paggy
So can’t talk or walk, clean up after herself, or help with dinner. She never changes her own clothes or gives herself a bath. She doesn’t care to let me sleep more than three hours at once or spend my free time on personal hobbies.
And yet I’m not angry because I love her.
She’s my daughter.
The best writers – especially those with a spiritual touch – have tried for ages to capture the definition of unconditional love. The limits of language only leave us with similes and metaphors for what such a love could be like. Omnipotent gods are said to love frail humanity with such a love, but being the object of unconditional love doesn’t quite make its reality clear in your mind. Maybe that’s the point. Because you can offer no reciprocal gift, you don’t quite realize that a transaction is even taking place.
Omnipotent gods don’t spit up on you when you just changed clothes or cry when they’re hungry in the middle of the night.
I held her in my arms and looked at her 8-hour-old face and knew that I loved her with a unique and unconditional love. She could do nothing for me. There was no material benefit she provided in my life, and still, I loved her.
My love for my wife – while unconditional now – was once predicated on attraction and compatibility. While dating, interests and conversations had to be aligned or appreciated before a mysterious, irrational, overwhelming love could swoop in and swaddle us. And now, nearly eight years after falling in love with her, we’ve created not just a baby who will look like us, but we’ve created a category of love that stands beyond us and consumes us, taking us to a point where we love like we’ve never loved before.
All You Need Blogger: Sam Davidson
Sam is a brand new dad trying to figure out how to love his daughter unconditionally. He sometimes writes at his blog (samdavidson.net/blog) and always writes at CoolPeopleCare.org. He doesn’t have any dogs, but hopes to own two someday; he already has names picked out for them.
Song: David Wilcox – Show the Way
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Elizabeth Weinstein, Matt Cheuvront, samdavidson, Elisa Doucette, Liz Pabon and others. Liz Pabon said: Beautifully written @RT @opheliaswebb {New Post} She Does Nothing For Me http://bit.ly/bpdZMT #allyouneed [...]
Wow, I can’t believe I’m the first to comment on this! To me, this post sets a high bar for everyone else participating in the “All You Need Is Love” series.
I don’t have a daughter, but I have a dog. I know, not the same thing. But…I can related to that feeling of unconditional love and wanting to do for them even though they do little (or in some cases nothing) for you in return. I understand the feeling of wanting to nurture and protect. And I understand the feeling of wanting to share countless photos and talk for days on end about this little bundle of joy in your life that makes you so ridiculously happy that you can’t even find the words to describe it! So if a dog does all of that for me, I can only imagine what I’ll feel like one day when, or rather if, I become a father too.
You should really print this post out and save it. Then one day when your daughter is old enough, read it to her. I think it will be one of the greatest gifts you will ever give her.
David´s last blog ..Stupid Is As Stupid Does
Thanks, David, for the very kind words. You’re right: lots of things can make us realize what unconditional love is. And although it’s cliche, I really do show pictures of her to complete strangers.
Sam Davidson´s last blog ..The Family We Have
David – I could tell you about the comedy of errors that involved getting Sam’s post here. I could include how I decided based on his request alone to extend my series so there was room for his post. I could explain that I did all this before even knowing what he was going to write about.
Instead I will just say that I don’t think Sam’s post sets the bar for this series, I think his blogging sets the bar for other bloggers.
But this isn’t about my unabashed admiration for Sam’s writing or outlook on life. It’s about the beautiful post I couldn’t have even asked for but got in return. Unconditional love is such a beautiful thing, such a gift that we get to not only receive but also give it. The warm fuzziness that blankets us when we are part of the unconditional equation is amazing. To me it is proof positive that love exists on Earth.
And I agree on the printing the post idea too. A 16th birthday present or graduation or something. It’ll be a beautiful gift.
Give it on her wedding day!
That’s what I would do. It’s the final send off – from the first man that ever loved her and will forever loved her.
David´s last blog ..Super Sexist Bowl? STFU
Sigh . . . Even reading about a baby leaves you breathless. They are our unmodified art of what being human is truly about. Love it! Congratulations!
Melissa´s last blog ..on Leadership
Hey Melissa: I like what you said. “Unmodified art.” Nice touch!
Sam Davidson´s last blog ..The Family We Have
Melissa – How right you are, babies are like perfect little lumps of humanity that have yet to be tainted by the impositions of the world. They are truly works of art that we get to be a part of for a little while. There’s gotta be a reason we still think they are amazing after we change a diaper, they puke on us and keep us up all night long, right?!
I got a little misty eyed reading this. It was truly beautiful. Sam, I am a poster child of a Daddy’s girl. Have been my whole life. I thought that I didn’t really do much for my dad when I was younger because well, I couldn’t. I was a gross wiggly blob that couldn’t pay bills. But my dad explained to me one day that I did more for him than I could ever imagine. I loved him unconditionally and I needed him. It’s been explained to me that the feeling a parent gets when their kid is crying and they are the only one who can calm them down is unequal to anything. And as she gets older, you’ll be the one to wipe tears when a boy hurts her, you’ll be the one she looks up to as to what kind of person she should be. She needs you no doubt, but now that you have her and from who you’ve said, it sounds like you need her too
Congrats!!
Amy´s last blog ..Posterous Importer
Amy – Yeah, you always were Dad’s favorite…
You bring up such an interesting point. Before we can even realize that we are giving back to someone, we do. Every time a baby reaches for, cries out for, laughs with, etc a parent it’s just another tug at the heartstrings tied so closely to them. They don’t have to “do” anything but what they give us is so much more than most anything we could ask for.
Sam: I think this post may be one of my favorites of the series thus far. It’s beautifully written but, what’s more, the sentiment behind it inspiring. I don’t have real children of my own yet, but, like David, I have something to care for in a little four-legged mutt who exudes the innocence and love that you describe in your daughter. Riley can’t do anything for me. He howls, he begs for food, and I sometimes have to walk him in the early hours of the morning. The responsibility in taking care of him isn’t half as that of a child, though it might be similar. And while he is “only a dog,” this dog has given me the greatest gift of learning how to love something unconditionally, and learning how to allow myself to be loved unconditionally in return.
All that said, if I feel this way towards an animal, I can only imagine what the magnitude of that love will be when I have a child of my own. In both cases, I think this gentle innocence makes you realize what’s important and how to love — how to really love. Incredible.
An absolutely beautiful post, Sam. Best wishes to you and your family.
Susan – Do you think that’s part of it? What makes us adore babies and puppies and things that still have fuzz instead of fur? The gentle innocence of their affection?
In romantic love I feel like the purest actions and emotions are those based in gentle innocence. As I mentioned earlier in the series, it is that pure love that will make us move mountains for someone we love and sometimes let them go at our own sacrifice for their happiness. Much like Rich’s post on what a dog teaches about unconditional love I believe a parent’s unconditional love towards a child offers us a tiny glimpse of some of the tender moments we should seek out in our romantic relationships.