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Leashing Furies

11 June 2010 20 Comments

I was at a housewarming party last weekend, perturbed about a number of thoughts running rampantly through my brain.  But having lots of fun with friends celebrating a new house/start/graduation for two of my good friends.  So when my brilliant plan of messing with someone (heck, that’s how my friends and I roll) was destroyed by a silly error on my part, I may have *slightly* lashed out.

I believe my exact phrase to the poor offending party was “You have no idea the fury you have unleashed! I can seriously go from 0 to bitch in 2.6 seconds and it’s ALL about to come out.”

Or something like that.

And my friends all laughed cause I’m 5’4″ inches of feisty Irish/Italian girl with a cute little voice and probably less intimidating than the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

Except when I’m angry.

And then, much like when the poor little happy Marshmallow Man got shot at by proton beams, I can become a snarling vicious vindictive villain looking for a good fight.

Photo Credit: Getty Images – Robert Johnson

Dr. Laurence J. Peter is quoted as saying “Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”

And if there’s one thing that makes me angrier than just being angry it is losing a fight/battle/practical joke because I let myself be angry.

Does that hurt your head yet?  Cause it sure hurts mine!

I’d like to say that I’ve achieved an inner calm and zen through yoga that helps me to count to 10 slowly when I feel the redness starting to creep up my neck.  Or that it is an act of the utmost kindness to another human being to not respond to a snipping email in-kind with biting sarcasm that is sure to make most anyone feel 2 inches tall.

Or that it’s the generosity of personal conditioning when doing business.

So I’ve adopted these few strategies for keeping the balance within.  And fortunately while I do go from 0 to bitch in 2.6 seconds, it has to be something pretty bad (or I have to be on my 4th drink) to engage the action!

  • If you feel like you want to respond angry to an email do not respond for at least 6 hours (better if you can wait 24)
  • Do not “talk out” the situation with 7 different friends, you will only get yourself more riled up
  • Do not “give speeches” to others about the situation – it only justifies the crazy in your head
  • Do not hang up on or walk away from someone you are angry with…CALMLY explain that you are feeling very offended/hurt/upset and that if the conversation continues you will have to end it
  • Accept those things which you do not have control over and focus instead on the things you do
  • Laugh…simply laugh at the silliness of the whole situation

How about you?  What do you do to keep the crazy red-eyed monster out of your life?

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  • http://www.insidelisamarieblog.blogspot.com Lisa Marie

    Hi Elisa

    Too many times have I too just blown up in someones face (usually a family member like my younger brother). And on more occassions than I would like to admit have I been told to take a ‘chill pill’ ha ha. I deffinatly agree when you say ‘Do not talk out the situation with 7 different people’ i really does make you feel worse about the whole situation.

    -x-x-
    Lisa Marie´s last [type] ..England v USA Pre-Match Blog Post

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Lisa – I’ve unfortunately done that before as well. Lashing out at family members or close friends. Psychologically I know that people do this because they feel that they can act this way and those people will still love them. Which is probably true. But definitely not good.

      And yes, talking it out always SEEMS like it would be a good way to get a grasp on the situation and your emotions but it rarely seems to work! :)

  • Mindy

    Elisa – Great post, and great reminder. Laughter is so great. Life’s too short not to get over it, and laugh a little!!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Mindy – Laughter is most definitely the best way to make it out alive!

  • Amy

    Excellent post! It’s so true, and sometimes I have to look at people and say “It’s really important that you let me count to 10″. But I try not to lash out because I already have an ulcer, I don’t need to make it worse :)

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Amy – Yes, the counting to 10 thing is really good and works well for lots of people. Somehow I haven’t mastered that and when I pause that long people seem to just get angrier. I think that’s because if I count to 10 the cold and analytical response I come back with is very frustrating.

  • http://ryanstephensmarketing.com/blog/ Ryan Stephens

    I’ve always found that saying, “I feel X because,” is significantly more productive than lashing out. When you say “I feel…” it turns it from being someone’s fault to simply a miscommunication. I think people at work actually get flustered with me because they never know what I’m thinking or feeling because I’m pretty stoic in the workplace. The one time I almost killed someone :p I politely excused myself for an early lunch.
    Ryan Stephens´s last [type] ..High Traffic or Complex Ideas?

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Ryan – Haha, yes, an early lunch is much better than workplace homicide. :)

      That’s great advice to use the phrase “I feel” to diffuse a situation. I would imagine it harbors a certain level of conversation that is about exchange rather than anger. Talking it out is the best way for an argument to be resolved.

  • http://www.dmbosstone.com Dmbosstone

    I know what you are talking about- I have learned I can definitely go from 0 to bitch in 2.6.

    Great notes and I wish I had them with a spat I think I’m in with a friend.
    Dmbosstone´s last [type] ..The Quarterlife Crisis Series: Quarter Life Crisis Averted: Setting Boundaries & Figuring Out Who You Are

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      PPho – Believe me when I say it is much easier to “preach” this advice than to fully apply it to life. :)

  • http://instigationology.com andi

    I tend to use the same tactic as Ryan. Most conflicts are just miscommunication. Putting your response in terms of how you feel takes the blame out of situation and no one can resent you for how you feel, it’s subjective safe ground. When that’s on the table you can freely talk about objective reality and intentions without letting your emotional responses affect your stance.

    Also, bravo for getting angry. Anger is a tough emotion for women in this culture. We’re allowed to be sad, and stressed, and afraid, but we’re not allowed to be angry. It’s one of the biggest differences I’ve noticed in how males and females generally differ in their responses to conflict, especially in the work place.
    andi´s last [type] ..choose your weapon!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Andi – Interesting thought…and while I *rationally* agree that no one should resent with you for what you feel I’m curious if you’ve found this to normally be the case. I have definitely experienced times when that was the case and other times when the conditioning of the human spirit did not shake out that way.

      Yes, that is one reason that a few people have noted that I got to where I was in my career. I do not tend to act in the emotional and nurturing manner that often goes unrewarded in business. Not to say I’m a cold icy princess (though I have been called one before…) but I try to view things very rationally and analytically.

      As I mentioned, I can become a bitch almost immediately when antagonized. But it DEFINITELY takes a high level of frustration for me to get there.

  • http://www.sharonogle.wordpress.com Sharon

    I have to be pretty angry to verbally abuse somebody, I usually just bury it. What I really like to do is throw Goodwill dishes at an outside wall. Anger out. Big mess made. Instant peace.
    Sharon´s last [type] ..Do you believe in Angels?

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Sharon – Ooooh, I REALLY like your outlet. When I was younger I’d go for a hard run or hit the bags at the gym. But the plates are a great physical manifestation. I’ll have to give it a try sometime. :)

  • http://scrawledintoacorner.wordpress.com Tina

    ha! I am sure guilty of the first 3 or 4 of those bullet points. It’s true. You really need to force yourself to wait to reply to angry emails, otherwise all hell breaks loose while shit hits the fan. Been there. Done that. Eesh.

    Good advice!
    Tina´s last [type] ..Friendship is Strikingly Malleable

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Tina – Yeah, I’ve learned it’s usually not a good idea to email angry. Reminds me of that old phrase “Do not engage in a battle of wits with an idiot because eventually you will have to fight on their level.” And I hate the person I am when I say and do stuff fueled on pure emotion without thinking it out.

      I like the mantra – Print or Pend, just don’t hit Send. Crumpling up the email and setting fire to it in a trash can is also strangely liberating. :)

      • http://scrawledintoacorner.wordpress.com Tina

        ahh yes. we love setting things on fire!!

        in my head I heard “Do not engage in a battle of wits…” as Vizzini: “Never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line!” :)

        • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa

          Much knowledge on life is found in The Princess Bride :)

  • http://lifeaftercollege.org Jenny Blake

    God you are brilliant, woman! I read this post and I was like “I don’t have anger issues, this doesn’t apply to me.” HAH! Who the hell was I kidding.

    I find it helps to have one amazing friend who lets you be angry, then tells you to sleep on it, then counsels you the next day, then laughs with you the next night. :D Your advice in this post is priceless – thank you!
    Jenny Blake´s last [type] ..LAC Book: Crowd-Sourced Wisdom for College Grads – Join in the fun!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa

      Jenny – Haha, not sure about brilliant. It’s always easier to dispense advice than actually practice it. I run about a 60/40 spread on remembering these tips when it comes to my own stuff.

      But fortunately I have an #IRLBFFE who I can talk to once a week who helps me out with it. She kinda kicks ass… :)