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The Price of Nice

27 October 2010 12 Comments

I’ve harped on it many times, but I was never one of the cool kids.  I feel like part of the reason I keep bringing it up is this stigma I’ve mentally attached to the reality of being a cool kid.  The lengths they had to go to, the things they had to do, the people they had to hurt to climb to their place on the social pyramid.  *NOTE* I realize not ALL cool kids are the stereotypical characters from Mean Girls or any Freddie Prince Jr movie.

I’ve never been an unpopular or horrifically bullied and teased outcast.  Well, 7th grade bridged pretty close (including one classmate asking me at a school dance if I was knocked up – Um, hello, I’m 12 and haven’t even kissed a boy yet?!) but in reality my childhood was not devastatingly painful.

No, my life has always been one of being the nice girl.  Which sounds…well…nice.  Much better than being the soul-sucking bitch or some other equally maladjusted moniker.

Being the nice girl is a happy existence.

You have lots of people who would consider you a friend.  Folks who will help you out if you ask.  You smile and laugh a lot, cause a happy life is a much better life than a sad one.  You are generally of a good temperament and rarely say anything harsh or strong against anyone else.  You don’t rock the boat to make people uncomfortable, you don’t create drama or conflict, you value happiness in others.

It isn’t like you are a meek and pathetic person.  Nice people aren’t necessarily failures, or blind followers, or pushovers.  They don’t quietly sit back and let life happen, they are active participants in their existence.

It isn’t that they don’t get angry or upset or frustrated or sad.

Life is just far less complicated when people are nice.

Unfortunately, though, we live in a world that doesn’t always reward nice.

Somehow nice people get classified as such in our minds, put into a little drawer in the recesses, to be remembered occasionally but not memorable.

When we encounter them, we smile.  Because they are so nice.

When people bring them up in conversation, you gush about them.  Because they are so nice.

When you are looking for someone to support and admire and rally behind, you might pull them from the drawer in the back of your mind but more likely you remember the person who was hustling and in-your-face and sometimes not being so nice and forget the other person.  Because they are so nice.

When they are trying to make a name for themselves, or be successful, or win at something we help but only after they beg and plead and remind us of their existence.  Because they are so nice.

Nice people shouldn’t be frustrated or angry, ever.  They shouldn’t say what they feel, even if it hurts a little.  They shouldn’t assume that their friends will reach out to them.  They shouldn’t ask for too much.   They shouldn’t talk about anything but warm fuzzies and unicorns.  They shouldn’t be too passionate or feel anything too much.  They shouldn’t deviate outside the “nice box” that people have built for them.

They aren’t “being nice” if they do that.

Which truly wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if it weren’t so true.  Being a nice person doesn’t make you a better person.  And it certainly doesn’t help you win any popularity contests.  As the movie says: You don’t get to 500 million friends without making a few enemies.

Our world values nice but it doesn’t really reward it.

Nice is remembered, but the nice person rarely is.

Photo Credit: Getty Images – Purestock

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  • http://twentyorsomething.com Susan Pogorzelski

    Hmmm…This is a great post that I can relate to, but I’m not entirely sure yet where I stand. On the one hand, this really struck me: “you might pull them from the drawer in the back of your mind.”

    This is the one thing that hurts me. Oh, I don’t really care much what people say or think about me…but please don’t forget about me. Forgetting, to me, correlates to not caring enough, and when you feel deeply, when you make them a priority while you yourself are only an option…it feels like a betrayal.

    On the other hand, this also stood out: “Nice is remembered, but the nice person rarely is.” At the end, I wonder if I wouldn’t rather be that nice person. Namely because I can’t get around who I am but also because I think it’s your actions that are an extension of you, and if people remember your actions, then they also remember you.

    Be who you are, and if a nice person is who you are, then embrace that. You might now make huge waves and rock the world, but I can guarantee that you will be remembered among the people who really matter.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Susan – I’m also torn on where I stand. I don’t want to “not be nice” because that isn’t who I am. But at the same time I’m sick and tired and frustrated with always being the nice person, that is so easily forgotten.

      Or who won’t manipulate and play the game, so I don’t end up with the same results.

      Exactly as you said, relegating myself to an existence where I make people priorities but I become merely an option to them. I think people remember niceness and maybe even the people associated with those actions, but only when reminded or their memory is jogged to pull that nice person out of the drawer and smile and remember how awesome they are. Nice people seem to be afterthoughts rather than on minds.

      I definitely agree that you are remembered by the people who matter, in the end. Yet along the way, I have encountered far too many that I wanted to matter but didn’t want me to matter back. On professional, romantic and platonic planes.

      I’m just not sure that “just being nice” is going to get me to where I want to be. But I’m quite positive I don’t want to be “not nice” to do it either.

      Grrrrrrrrrr…. :)

      • http://twentyorsomething.com Susan Pogorzelski

        I think another problem I have with nice is that it’s so very limiting. Yes, you’re nice and you’re labeled as such, but you’re also so much more than that. And you have the capability of being more than that — you can be ambitious, you can be driven, you can be aggressive and assertive. Only, people tend to only view you as one thing over the other, and once you are labeled, it’s almost as if you’re branded only that one descriptor for life.

        Which sucks. But then again, there are worse things to be called.

        I’ve seen people play that game as well who have seemingly succeeded in business (and that word “success” seems to be relative, but that’s another discussion)and it’s not one I want to be a part of. My own personal theory is that if being who I am, that is, “nice”, doesn’t get me to where I want to be, then maybe I don’t want to be there (or belong there) in the first place.

        Loving the discussion.

        • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

          Susan – That’s SO very true! Somehow when you are a nice person people sometimes forget the other stuff if “nice” is the predominant trait. If you are ambitious and nice, people remember the ambition, but when you are nice and ambitious, again with the drawer thing.

          And yes, the “successes” of business is so ridiculously arbitrary. For me, I am not as “successful” as *I* want to be. Not be any societal measure, but by my own. And as I work to achieve that success I have lots of friends and people who smile and encourage and whatnot, but find when push comes to shove and I *really* need the support it is sometimes lost in an expanse somewhere.

          I guess I’m just struggling with why it is so hard? Why being nice doesn’t get you to where you want to be? And why we have to accept that it just isn’t meant to be if we can’t get there by being ourselves.

  • http://prettylittlereckless.wordpress.com prettylittlereckless

    I find that those who were “popular” in school peaked then and are nothing now. Being the nice girl/nice person isn’t such a bad thing. It’s better than being nasty to get ahead in life.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      I’m not sure that’s the case. I know many popular people from my high school who are very successful in their current lives. And they are perfectly fine individuals, who have spent a bit of time not being nice.

      It’s possible that I’m living in an anomaly, but it’s also possible that things like that (“popular people peak in high school”) are just what we tell ourselves (and what Hollywood perpetuates) to somehow make the situation suck just a little less.

      I don’t really feel that TV & movies are good depictions of reality.

  • http://www.elevatedsimplicity.com Eric

    Great post Elisa-

    So should we add “nice gals finish last.” to the coined expression? You’re right, it’s not so much we finish last, it’s that we are unmemorable.

    I was the “nice guy” in high school and like you, I fit in with everyone and wasn’t teased, but definitely didn’t have my click or posse.

    I soon got frustrated by being looked over by others and created a new brazen personality. And it worked, I definitely got more attention as it was the peacock-with-the-brightest-tail gimmick I was displaying. I eventually ended up being labeled the caring ass-hole by my closest friends. As well I became a very angry, miserable person. Things had to change and quick because, all though I didn’t like being over looked, I hated the ass-hole tag!

    My point of this is be happy with the nice, because the other side isn’t much better, probably worse in my opinion.

    Thanks for sharing Elise!

    Eric

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Eric – Yeah, I’ve definitely been both. I wasn’t totally obnoxious or anything, but I didn’t always play by the “nice rules.” I also didn’t hate myself or many of the decisions I made.

      I should note, I wasn’t a shark or evil or mean or anything. But I definitely wasn’t the sweet nice girl that everyone expected. In fact, in my office of exceedingly kind people-pleasers I was the heavy. Which was hilarious.

      I feel like there’s gotta be a happy medium, where we don’t have to be ass-holes but we can also get ahead and “achieve” the things we want to. It seems like those things are sometimes out of reach to people who are just plain “nice.”

  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com Sam Karol

    Great post, Elisa. I can definitely relate! I’ve always been the nice girl too, but I see things a little differently. The fact that people will gush about nice people and help them out when they ask is a compliment in and of itself. We have to accept that not everyone is as nice as we are, and sometimes their gratitude and love won’t be as apparent as ours would be if the roles were reversed. I think it also depends on why you’re nice. Sure it’s ingrained in some of us, but what are our expectations? Are we nice because we love seeing people smile? Or do we expect some sort of reward in this life or the next? It’s different for everyone I guess.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Sam – Yes, you and I have spoken/written before about this “phenomena.” And I don’t mean to sound like I don’t appreciate the folks who do gush and help out. I appreciate them SO MUCH and sometimes when I fall short I feel like I am letting the people who support me down more than I am letting myself down.

      Which is just another symptom of “nice girl” I suppose! :)

      Your comment reminds me of the piece that Sharalyn wrote for the All You Need Series about the beakers and love. If we are big huge schmoopy beakers of nice, can we expect others to reciprocate?

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.com Grace Boyle

    1. Who is that girly up there? What if I found myself from stock photos in a post like this (what if she’s a total meanie!) I digress..I just thought about that thinking!

    2. I’ve been told and feel this way – that I am sweet, kind, compassionate and giving. All mean around the same thing give or take. In my mind, I think that nice is too basic, too bland. Now this is NOT the emotion, it is the single most amazing quality someone can have. I strive for it everyday, I don’t think anyone really ever needs to be mean. BUT I say, “I really hope, I am never described as nice.”

    It’s just been a stipulation of mine. Maybe it’s the price of nice like you say, but I want to be memorable, passionate, interesting, wild, funny, giving, power, change maker, etc. Not nice. But I want to be nice.

    Do you get what I’m saying? It’s rhetoric, I know, but it’s the word. Not the action.

    I think that you are MANY more things than just nice. I think you ARE memorable. I think that you shouldn’t be anything else but yourself. I do think it is also important to not be too nice, too stepped on, etc. because I have been there and it hurts.

    Great post, got me thinking!!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Grace – Haha, she’s a model/actress/stock photo aficionado. She could be a meanie but her picture SEEMS so nice. :)

      I really like your stipulation: “I really hope, I am never described as nice.”

      And that’s it exactly. It isn’t like I don’t want to be nice, but I don’t want that to be the only (or most obvious) moniker when people think of me. And I don’t want people to throw it back in my face when I’m being straight or serious. It is very much just semantics, but it is one of those cases where the semantics are important.

      I’m really glad you understood what I was saying, and stated it much more eloquently and succinctly than I was able to. And for what it’s worth, I think the same things of you as well!