This is a guest post from Pas de Deux series contributor Amanda Vickerson

Last July, Erin and I took a road trip to see the Manchvegas Roller Girls. We stopped at a Mexican restaurant on the way home and had a few margaritas. We talked about our new life together.

“What will you call me?” I asked her.

“My wife,” she replied. It was as simple as that.

When Erin and I are alone, we easily call each other wife. At first, it was thrilling to say, and now we have settled into the ease and pure pleasure of it. A few close friends are privileged to hear us use it. For other acquaintances and the general masses, we wonder if saying wife will feel false or that people will ask, “Oh, did you go to Massachusetts?”

We’re in the planning stages of our “Big Gay Wedding”, and I’ve found myself shifting to fiancée or partner when speaking publicly of Erin. How do I introduce her without causing confusion?  How do I explain the mini-elopement followed by the real non-wedding-party-celebration? What do I call THAT? What do I call it when it does become legal? I get the spins just thinking about it.

As I’ve told Erin, “I will marry you as many times as it takes for it to be legal. I will marry you every morning and every night for the rest of my life.”

On good days, I slip and just say, “This is my wife, Erin.” Usually, people go with the flow. I’m trying to make that happen regularly; because I know I can be a headcase and I worry about reactions more than is necessary. Most often, it comes out as, “This is my partner, Erin.”

I hate the word partner. It sounds so… transactional. While it is what she is, I find it to be a cold, unemotional word. I feel that gay culture never really appropriated partner. It was a lame replacement for those lovely, warm words, husband and wife, which evoke love and family and, yes, everlasting partnership. In my experience, when you say partner, people sometimes think it’s your law partner, your roller derby partner (also known as a wife – don’t get me started there), your partner in crime, your bff. Non-homosexual couples who want to be more egalitarian use partner.

It just doesn’t have the same connotation as husband or wife, or even spouse.

Erin and I often talk about girlfriend and fiancée. Women in their 30s and up frequently say girlfriends to mean their female friends. That doesn’t work when we want people to know we’re talking about our lover. Lover is too intimate for public use, and fiancée can often be mistaken for fiancé, and it’s important that people know we’re gay, that we are in a committed (and flagrantly homosexual) relationship. For a while, we jokingly called each other gay-bed-partner-lover-wife-thing.

The nomenclature confuses me, and I honestly don’t know why I’m so scared.

Once in a while, we declare, “Eff it! We’re going to say wife and we’re going to say it proudly!” Then, I find myself shaking when I’m introducing her to new people; I falter and hear partner come out of my mouth. This year, I’ve decided to go with my gut. Because you know what?

Erin is my partner, my fiancée, my best friend, my spouse, my partner in crime, my lover.

My wife.

All in one.

Pas de Deux Contributor – Amanda Vickerson

Amanda Vickerson teaches a 9^th grade study skills program at Portland High School. She skates with Maine Roller Derby as Lady GayGay, and enjoys experimenting with vegan cooking. She lives in Gorham with her wife, Erin, and four feline companions. She blogs about love, food, feminism and derby at A Jazzy Fizzle Producshizzle and can be found on Twitter as ajazzyfizzle.

Song: Lay Me Down – The Dirty Heads

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