This is a guest post from Pas de Deux series contributor Katy Dunnet

I’ve been asked more times than I can remember in my life ‘what is it like to be a twin’?

I never really had an answer until recently. Sure, I had four other non-twin sibling relationships I could compare to my twin relationship, but none of it summed it up well. For the first 28 years of my life I would have said I wasn’t sure it was really that great.

I was not living in a Double Mint commercial.

As the fourth (me) and fifth (her) born of six kids I grew up surrounded by people. It seemed natural that I had to share a room since I’d already shared the womb. There was not a lot of space or stuff that was mine alone in this house of six children and one adult, so sharing a ‘persona’ seemed the easiest. We were frequently referred to as ‘the twins’ and when our names were used it was always in combination with mine first, ‘Katy and Rachel’.

The biggest issue in our relationship growing up was how damn hard we were on each other. We were tall, chubby, unpopular kids and we critiqued one another like looking in a mirror. When you are your worst critic, you are your likenesses worst critic as well. I often resented this duplication that just magnified my height and awkwardness. That called attention to me when I wanted to hide. Rachel and I did all the same sports and had the same interests, and this seemed to encourage others to compare us as well.

Who was faster, heavier or smarter.

We ended up at the same university and tried living in different dorms and having different friends. By the second year we were moving out of the dorms in to an apartment with our two best friends. The same two best friends. We could not escape one another.

I attempted to do my own thing, going to Australia for a year after graduation. My twin and I had a massive fight right before I left which in hindsight was probably our attempt to make the separation easier on us. The fight was about how much we both disliked the men the other one was dating. It was a strained relationship even upon my return.

Something changed at around age 28. I think we both stopped resenting one another and realized that we were never going to escape being twins. We saw other friends with only distant relationships with siblings and realized our shared history had formed a bond that would be tough to break.

We were finally thankful for one another and appreciative of what we had gained in this life where we were never truly alone. We stopped critiquing and started embracing our similarities. We went for runs together and did not worry about who was faster. We started corporate careers and were supportive of each other receiving promotions. We lunched and shopped and slowly stopped counting who owed who what. It was one big give and take.

If I look at it now, I think I started loving myself and so I could in turn truly love my sister.

When my twin got married I was slightly panicked. She was so enthusiastic about this man, excited to change her last name and be part of a couple. Where was I going to fit in? As I came up with points for my maid of honor speech, I brainstormed on what the addition of this new brother-in-law meant.

I felt like I was in a bit of a turf war.

In the early days of their relationship, I had resented him because they were obsessive texters. I couldn’t really hang out with my sister because 50% of her was focused on sending and receiving texts from him. It was annoying and a blow to my ego. After they got through that first year, I got to know Chris, Rachel’s husband, and could see that he was not a threat.

In fact, he was a guarantee that I would always have a relationship with my twin. He is the kind of guy that puts importance on family and keeps up with his on a very regular basis. He was not going to let us grow distant again.

And he hasn’t.

From their wedding to the birth of their son I’ve been part of their new family. I call them ‘my people’ and they call me ‘their person’. I cleaned up and organized the delivery of their new appliances six hours after my nephew was born, two weeks early, at home. I missed his birth by about five minutes due to a doola that did not get our relationship and thought I would be a distraction.

But I’ve been around for a lot of moments since. I even lived with them for six months and got to see my nephew take his first steps. I am the fourth wheel in their family and feel right at home. Our relationship has expanded with the new additions and it is richer for it.

At 33, I can finally answer what being a twin is like. It is knowing another soul as well as your own. Riding out the tough years and moments to get to a place where rather than being critics, we are each other’s biggest fan. We have moved from being resentful and competitive to compassionate and supportive.

For me, being a twin has allowed me to show compassion for myself and love my imperfections because I see them in someone so close to me.

A truly great gift and one that more than makes up for having to share a room for 19 years.

Photo Credit: Katy and her twin at age 5. Credit goes to her mom Isobel (for both the twins and the photo!)

Pas de Deux Contributor – Katy Dunnet

A former rower and paper pusher Katy worked on the Vancouver 2010 Olympic & Paralympic Winter Games for five years and is now taking a break from the corporate world to pursue a writing career.  Katy writes about why she doesn’t date men named David, vampires that don’t fart and how she decluttered and sold half of her possessions on her blog http://katydunnet.com.

Song: Fix You by Coldplay

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