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Is There Life After ’30 Before 30′?

25 April 2011 27 Comments

*It is important to understand that before typing this post I spent an hour in boxer shorts and a tank-top with my hair piled on top of my head in a messy bun standing on my couch singing the Glee soundtrack into a hairbrush at the top of my lungs

I’d like to be all wise and prolific, able to say that I am *soooo* above imposing beliefs  and standards on myself all the time.

But that would be a lie. Which would also be very lame.

Sometimes, usually after that *one too many* glass of wine or a particularly ass-kicking run, I find my mind wandering off into the dangerous territory of “What If?”

Not the great “What If”s like “What if we could find a cure for cancer” or “What if we combined chocolate and peanut butter into a cup-like mold and sold it for less than $.50 in supermarket aisles to people who have been wandering around staring at food for 15 minutes and are desperate for a delicious sugar boost of taste bud terrificness” that lead to revolution and change and a sweet nectar-treat befitting gods.

Instead it is the regretful “What if I had done X differently” or “What if I had stuck with Y” or “What if Z had actually happened”?

The 20′s are a funny little decade. Not knowing much about who we are, what we want out of life, or how to begin to tackle it, we paint little pictures and stories in our minds of the ways that things are supposed to be.

I look back now, and realize that if someone had told my 21-year-old self that this is where we end up, she would have been pissed.

NOT because my life sucks right now.

It just isn’t what I had expected.

I imagined that by the time I got around to 30, I’d be settled. I’d be married and might even have a kid. An established career with a non-profit or activist organization, with a blossoming writing career on the side. Run triathlons and eat only locally grown organic vegetables. Own a house. Drive a respectable 4-door sedan with child seat hooks in the backseat. Have vacationed in Europe and Mexico and a cruise someplace sunny. Host dinner parties and discussing my first novel, which was already a bestseller.

Of course, life has a funny way of not always delivering us what we expect.

I get wistful sometimes. Nostalgic, wondering what life would have been like if I had lived the adventures I set out for at the age of 21.

I know, I know.

Regrets are lame, the past cannot be changed, embrace the present, blah blah blah.

I dole out that same sorry canned advice to people all the time. And it is true. But it doesn’t help the way that we feel.

I can tell that lots of the young professionals of my generation are heading into their late 20′s. I see more goals lists popping up of things we HAVE to accomplish or career aspirations (like “Make first 1-million dollars”) or relationship wishes (like “Anyone who is still single doesn’t really stand a chance”) that have a deadline of age 30.

As if at the age of 30, our carton of milk goes rancid and we have failed at life.

I think goals and dreams are so important.

They give us something to strive for. Heck, I’ve working on my Life/Bucket List all month long! When you shoot for the moon, even if you miss you still end up surrounded by stars, right?

But what happens after we complete our tasks?

Or (even worse) what if we DON’T get them finished by the date/time/age we ‘planned on’?

We only fail when we stop trying.

30 isn’t an end date. Life goes on (I can vouch for at least 11 months of this phenomenon). Contrary to the popular belief of some folks, I have not regressed into Disney-movie-crone spinsterhood to live as a hermit in a basement apartment surrounded by cats and supporting myself by selling Angry Wizard calendars on eBay.

For some, 30 is barely a beginning.

Hell, for some, 50 is where it all gets awesome!

That doesn’t mean we should put life off until then.

Sometimes the deadlines change, and sometimes the goals themselves shift.

But we are never so far along  or off that we can’t find a path to our own happiness.

Oh.

And you should never allow yourself to be too old to sing kitschy pop music into a hairbrush.  ;)

Photo Credit: Seth Joel

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  • Darryl Seamans

    You go! My life is just taking off at age 38. I count myself so lucky to have seen the changes that have happened to me over the past couple of years. Sometimes I wish I was settled with a wife and kids at this point, had gotten my advanced degree, blah blah blah. But then I wonder if that path would have been right for me. And considering the path I am on right now, I wouldn’t change a thing after all. Things come to us “In Due Time”, and it’s how we respond to these “happenings” that determine whether we will be happy down the road. As a friend of mine often says, “Buckle up and hang on — the ride’s just beginning” :) It’s not the destination but the journey!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Darryl – That is the thing that most people recognize when they think on regrets. Sure, things could have been different, but then we wouldn’t be living the life we have now. And if we aren’t horrified by out current lot, then why question if it is “right”. When we stop to look at the whole thing, I think most everyone realizes they wouldn’t change a thing.

      And if you feel like you’d want to…well…I don’t think it is ever too late. I mean, if Ebeneezer Scrooge McDuck can warm his old elderly heart, then there is hope for all of us!

  • http://twentyorsomething.com Susan Pogorzelski

    First…GLEE!!! I haven’t been paying as much attention this season, as I don’t have cable and am resorting to Huluing it up when I remember, but it still has my heart, even moreso now that they’re going to be singing a Keane song. Sigh…So sing it, sister!

    Now that that’s done with…Great post. GREAT POST. In fact, I think you’ve hit upon every thought I’ve ever had when it comes to these sometimes ridiculous timelines we make for our life. A friend once said that he, too, wanted to be a millionaire by the time he was 30 and I thought — why? It’s great if it’s a goal, but as with any lofty goal, what happens if it doesn’t happen? Will you consider yourself a failure? And how heartbreaking is that thought that you’re a failure if you don’t achieve every single goal that you set for yourself? If you don’t achieve them by such an age?

    I love how you say that your 21 year old self would be pissed because this life you’re leading now isn’t what you expected. For so long, if anyone told me I wasn’t going to be working in publishing, I would be so mad, intent on proving them wrong. Guess what. I’m in the farthest field from publishing…and I’m actually ok with it.

    I never could have expected to be where I am now — I’ve traveled, I’m still writing, I own my own home on my own. I never in my wildest dreams could have planned this out and, if I had, I doubt it would be this nerve-wracking…or this exciting.

    And maybe that’s what life’s about. You don’t have to be a globetrotter or an entrepreneur or a [fill in next hot-topic here] to lead an exciting life…All you have to do is live. And let life surprise you on its own.

    I want to hug this post.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Susan – I feel like this season has had its ups and downs. I added it to my Hulu queue so I always catch the new episodes. Now Doctor Who, which I have to sneak out on illegal tv websites, that is a TOTALLY different story!

      I get the whole SMART goals, and I get setting a timeline for yourself on things, but I agree. How heartbreaking to consider yourself a failure at age 30!

      I think that having a map and game plan DOES make sense. I’m totally in favor of the non-seat-of-my-pants life story. But I think it is super important to not set limitations on stuff (haha, my 2011 resolutions…) and to be willing to rewrite the plans when life changes.

      Cause life…it happens to the best of us! ;)

  • http://linda.curious-notions.net linda

    As someone is terrified of turning 30, this was hard to read. Logically, i know you’re right. Emotionally, it’s hard to believe. :) I guess I’ll wait til I turn 30 to really get what you mean.
    linda´s last [type] ..VEDA – Why We Food Blog

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Linda – I totally TOTALLY know what you are saying. Logically and rationally we can understand something. That doesn’t mean it is at ALL easy to break down emotionally.

      Turning 30 came naturally to me, I felt like I was finally fitting into my life. 27 was a tough year for me, 31 is shaping up that way. Ebbs and flows I suppose.

  • http://Waitingforthatrocket.wordpress.com Burnsy06

    99.9% of the time I wouldn’t change a thing about my life bc each step brought me to where I am and I, for the most part, am cool with where I am. However. I can’t help that other .01% that says “what if I’d done this, not done that, or gone here.” I dread that .01%

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Gah! That is SO true for me to. It is the .01% that kills me. Like Linda noted, logically I *know* that it is silly to dwell and it is a TINY piece of my history. But some things, they are just hard to let go of and move beyond.

  • http://parisianfeline.wordpress.com Tatiana

    In 7 years I’ll be 30, which is kind of maddening because I spend a lot of time worrying about some of things you talked about in this post. I worry about how much I’ll accomplish (or not), if I’ll be like Drew Barrymore in “Never Been Kissed” (but without the reliving of high school), or I’ll still be wandering around with no concept of who I am or who I want to be.

    I try not to think about it because I worry a great deal about being stagnant, about not growing. Because growth, while organic, don’t happen on its own. You have to WANT to change, or you will end up where you’ve always been.

    I loved reading this.
    Tatiana´s last [type] ..Who Do You Like And Why

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Haha, not worrying about it is an EXCELLENT game plan, in my opinion. ;)

      Awareness is a powerful tool. You *do* have to want to change and want to grow. Those things don’t magically manifest on their own. I love the quote, though, from The Alchemist (one of my fave books EVER): “When you really want something to happen, the whole Universe conspires so that your wish comes true.”

      Once you set the wheels in motion, it rolls along sometimes without us even having to push.

  • http://ryanstephensmarketing.com/blog/ Ryan Stephens

    It’s awfully easy to get distracted these days. In addition that, many people have no inclination what they want to do with their life. I think it’s critical that we determine what our purpose is, and then try to relentlessly prune things from our lives that don’t help us achieve that purpose. Rest is important, so is play-time, but working on things that take a lot of our time and DON’T contribute to our purpose is a waste – at least in my mind.

    There was a purpose to this rant when I started. Ultimately, I think you’re right. We don’t need to put a time table on our goals. Part of the issue is comparing ourselves to peers in this space. It’s easy to forget that we’re in a SMALL PERCENTAGE of people that are even blogging, and not going home everyday to watch tv immediately after our 9-5 ends. If we focus on our own goals, and inherently know that most really “successful” (there’s too many definitions of that) people became so later in life, then I think we’ll be just fine.

    Cheers.
    Ryan Stephens´s last [type] ..Standing Out is Simple

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Ryan – As a staunch planning personality, I agree that aimlessly bouncing off inanimate objects is no way to go through life. I want people to discover their purpose and work towards paying that purpose forward to the greater good.

      But how many times does our purpose change? I’m still not 100% sure on what I want to be when I grow up! Committing to one track and refusing to see any possible detours or new paths is a dangerous place to be.

      My goals as a 21 year old came long before the blogging niche. I’m fortunate in that I am SO old, I wasn’t part of this hip blogging scene that so many kids grew up with. I’m a late adopter on it.

      ;)

  • http://www.mattsurfs.com M.A. Brotherton

    I am constantly thinking about some kind of regret that I have, especially in the what if I had said or hadn’t said variety. I try to channel it into a positive direction when I write and use that constant questioning what if as a source of inspiration.

    I’m neurotic so there isn’t much else I can do.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      I’m a firm believer in sandpapering our lives occasionally. Sometimes, the regrets and the haters and the tough times teach us how to grow or change for the positive. When that happens it is awesome.

      When we get all dwelly…well…that’s when we accidentally drink an entire bottle of wine in one sitting. Or maybe that is just me… :)

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.com Grace Boyle

    My dad didn’t even meet my Mom until he was 32 and he is telling me, that just recently (in his 50′s) that his career is taking off and he is feeling aligned. There was a lot of failure, mistakes and confusion in between and learning.

    I think to a lot of people we do put milestones to ages – there is nothing wrong with that. But it’s largely society that that is antiquated and showing us something that 2011 is no longer 1950 :) In many, many ways. We evolve and so should our visions. You’re amazing.
    Grace Boyle´s last [type] ..Friday Linky Love

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      “We evolve and so should our visions.”

      Yes. This. Perfect. :)

  • http://www.30before30project.com Celine | 30 Before 30

    Clearly, I know this feeling quite intimately! I am 25 days away from 30 and have spent the last year and change beating my “what ifs” down with a stick. Doing so has resulted in one crazy ride but has brought me some measure of peace … So my life after 30 Before 30 shall consist, first and foremost, of a good long nap ;-)

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      YAY!!! I was going to email you, cause I realized at about 2 PM today “Hmmm…I hope Celine doesn’t think this is all negative!” cause I love your site!

      Your ride has been AMAZING and I’ve loved seeing it all unfold the past couple months that I’ve been watching/reading. That being said, once you hit the big 3-0, if I were you I would take a good long nap too!

      Do you think you are going to get the whole list completed? You are so close!

  • http://www.myearlyretirementplan.net anthonynlee

    sweet. (not like, as in “awwww”…but as in like “DUDE”)
    just what i needed. been thinking on this for a couple of days now (and duly noted that you can read my mind).

    i was a student of personal development at a very young age. i read Think and Grow Rich by age 20, and had already consumed Anthony Robbins’ works before 25. i had my goals written out. there they were, monetary value, strategy, and timeline. i read them, to myself, and aloud, on varying occasions.
    the goals morphed and changed with time…but one stayed very consistent. in every goal, every “life script” i wrote, my age 30 goal remained the same. MAKE MY FIRST MILLION. i even had how i would celebrate it already planned out.
    as an advocate of network marketing, i was SOOO SURE i’d make this goal. i mean, i see all these guys at the conventions making millions within two years, surely a decade would be plenty of time.
    obviously i have matured. i realize that sometimes things don’t go as planned. i recognized the obstacles that delayed the achievement date of this task.
    that didn’t stop the little tinge of whatever it is that i felt in the pit of my stomach on my 30th birthday, when my bank account reflected the all to familiar balance of somewhere around $600.
    a far cry from a million.
    i guess it is part of the programming we get. along with the “go to college, get a degree, and get a good job working for a good company that you can retire from in 50 years” mentality that we are fed, we also seem to develop this idea (thanks to our grandparents, or whoever fed us this drivel) that by 30 we should have everything figured out.

    well….30 is when i STARTED my journey. two websites (first time i ever did that), a newsletter, and the beginning of my online journey.
    maybe Jay Z was right….30 is the new 20.
    anthonynlee´s last [type] ..How to Kick Ass Like a Taoist Monk

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Haha, I’ve definitely doled out my share of long comments. You might have to fight out my friend Susan for the award though. She and I tend to leave mini-posts on each others’ blogs frequently. ;)

      That is the tough thing with goals and set ages/dates/times. Sometimes life gets in the way and happens. While I believe fully in the conspiring powers of the Universe to help you make things happen, there isn’t really a time table for that.

      When all is said and done, I have a GREAT deal of respect and admiration for the people that get knocked down again and again and still make it to the life they want. I do not appreciate at all the “if you wanted it enough you would make it happen” bullshit. Sometimes, bad stuff happens. Period. What we do after the fallout, that determines our success.

      And yes, I’m with Jay Z. I think the 30′s are where it is at. As my friend Colin would say (except he is far from 30 and safe from elderliness still) they are quickly becoming the cats’ pajamas for me. :D

  • http://www.habitformingsuccess.blogspot.com Angela C.

    I love blaring music and singing in the car! I agree with you. Goals and dreams and bucket lists are wonderful. But life does change and sometimes we end up down paths that we aren’t expecting but end up being the very best thing for us! As long as we stay open life remains an adventure!
    P.S. I have LOVED my 30′s so far. I am not where I thought I would be but I couldn’t have charted a better course for myself if I tried!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa

      Angela – I’m a total in the car singer. Also blared as loud as it will go!

      I agree, the lists are not a bad thing, but inflexibility and getting all over ourselves by not doing stuff “when we were supposed to/expecting” is where it gets murky. I love your line: “As long as we stay open life remains an adventure!”

      11 months of my 30′s so far have been amazing, looking forward to the next 9 years and 1 month. ;)
      Elisa´s last [type] ..Is There Life After ’30 Before 30′

  • Allie

    I love love this post. You are NEVER to old to sing at the top of your lungs, dance around in your underwear and have a good laugh. Keep it up why you love it. And thanks for reminding us to have some fun too!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Haha, so true! Life is way too short to not have fun and be a little crazy. ;)

  • http://chelseatalkssmack.blogspot.com/ Chelsea Talks Smack

    Oh darling, I was nodding my had laong with this- understanding, understanding- I also think that 30 will be one hell of a kick ass year, this I jsut know to be true.

  • Kristina

    Have you been inside my head listening to my thoughts? Have you been reading my diary? Funny you should write this post (and I should read it when I have been reading blog posts for months) right at I start reflecting on the rapidly approaching end of my 20s, wondering what the heck I really want to do with my life, and trying to stop having regrets.

    My 21 year old self would never ever have envisioned anything of what has transpired since I graduated college. Sometimes I can’t believe all that has happened either. Thank you for an eloquent and timely post so I know I am not alone in my inward musings. I really am hoping that 30 is the new 20 and there is time time for me to achieve my dreams.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Kris – I’m actually living in your closet, didn’t you notice? ;)

      It is totally the reflection that makes us wonder the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. As I said, I don’t think wishing you can change the past does a whole hell of a lot of good, but taking time to think about it and figure out what you want from your present and future based on those experiences is important. It is part of our learning process.

      I think that there’s probably still time to accomplish our dreams at age 70 if we want, so 30 is barely toddler in our adultness.