Harry Potter is the Boy Who Lived. Hermione Granger is the Girl Who Studied And Saved Everyone
If you have not read/seen the Harry Potter series and would like to one day, this post is straight up LACED with spoilers. You have been warned.
In preparation for the final movie, I’m rewatching all of the films to date (thanks, ABC Family, for that well-timed marathon last weekend and sorry, my DVR, for taking up so much space). In the middle of Prisoner of Azkaban last night (I’ll admit that I had this thought before last night) I had a revelation.
The books should be named after Hermione Granger.
Yes, yes, sad times about that whole your parents thing dying, Harry. Please see the condolences card I sent you 12 YEARS AGO for my sympathy. In the meantime, look at how many people are COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK to be your new mentor.
Even McGonagall* is like, “Hey kid, here is a free fancy broom. Just because that one time when your parents died and you’re good at catching shit.”
On the other side of the common room, we have Hermione. Who is muggle born, which means she simply doesn’t have that same built-in support as Harry. She can’t go home to her parents and talk about how people keep trying to kill her because her parents just wouldn’t understand. And while she’s at school, instead of having every single teacher fall over their magic wand to get on her good side, she’s held down. People won’t stop talking about her Muggle parents and it’s all she can do to keep up her studies.
By which I mean, BEING BETTER THAN ALL OF THE SCHOOL.
And when Snape assigns homework Harry is all “Wah-Wah, there is sport tomorrow, fulfilling my responsibility will be so hard.”
Meanwhile Hermione is MOVING FUCKING TIME so she can take more classes. Because girl knows SOMETHING is happening and she needs to STUDY THE EFF UP.
When the time comes around to fight, the boys are like, “Oh wow, look at this thing that happened. Isn’t that crazy?” while Hermione is like, “Idiots, I figured that out like 5 books ago. CAN YOU PLEASE FOCUS.”
And after she saves the day and just about everyone in the entire book/series/magical world tells her that she’s “The smartest witch for her age,” is it Hermione who finally gets the fancy broom?
Of course not.
SWOOP IN AN STEAL THE GLORY AGAIN, HORRIBLE HARRY.
In the final book, girl has to wipe her parents’ memory of any trace of her so they’ll be protected. Essentially orphaning herself. But do people feel bad? Do they start going all Harry Potter on her?
They are like, “Oh, hey, Hermione, all of my friends and family who still love me and still know who I am are getting together for a massive party. You can come if you want.” And she’s like, “Jolly, fucking jolly, assholes.”
And in the end?
She gets stuck with Ron. Ron who did not age well, Ron who really hasn’t done much more than sulk since that one time when he moved the pieces correctly in Wizard’s chess. Ron. I mean, at least let her have a little something, something going on with Sirius before he dies.
Sirius is deserving of a woman like Hermione.
Finally, I present you with the photo from last night’s premiere. There are our favorite kids (God, Neville, stop being so goddamn hot) and who stands out?
Girl is like: “Fuck this bullshit. I own this series. I OWN THEM ALL.”
Elisa’s Note – I read this piece on Joy’s Tumblr today, and aside from being completely distracted by the level of hotness Neville Longbottom has managed to attain in his 7 Years at Hogwarts and how his barely-able-to-drink-in-the-US-age makes me feel like a less-hot-and-sightly-predatory-version-of-Demi-Moore, I found myself nodding along.
I’m curious what you all think.
On the surface it SEEMS like Harry Potter has the “better” story (because we all know that the only way to be important is to have the best story, right?!) but with all that she has to offer, why is Hermione destined to always play second fiddle to Harry?
I suppose without the shit that went down with Harry, the series never would have happened in the first place, so there’s that.
But seriously. Come about Book 5 or so I was like “Jesus, we all get it. Your life sucks, you are an orphan who is convinced no one loves you, you are a sub-par wizard who is fortunate enough to never have to die because you are all linked to the Dude-Who-Cannot-Be-Named, and because of this your friends are fucking ready to DIE for your ass. But no, go be all broody and woe-is-me while the rest of the world is taking friggin Avada Kedavra death spells for the greater good. You’re right. Life is just SO totally unfair sometimes.”
Does Harry deserve to be immortalized more than Hermione or is he a perfect example of “Right Place – Right Time – Right Person”?
PS – I obviously do not like broody woe-is-me characters *AHEM* *Bill Compton* *Heathcliff* *I’m looking at you*
* Edited to update the incorrect spelling of Minerva McGonagall – our deepest and most sincere apologies to anyone who was offended by our oversight
Joy Engel lives and works in Portland, Maine where she tweets far too much and solves the occasional murder-mystery while riding around on a bicycle. She also writes a wildly hilarious and brilliantly frank modern dating column on the unique online dating site How About We? called Love and Lobsters.