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You Don’t Have To Be Nice, But Don’t Be A Jerk Either

12 December 2011 11 Comments

Last week Joel Runyon wrote a post on the Blog of Impossible Things that I have been struggling with since it hit my Google Reader.

His post “Nice People Don’t Change the World” begins with this:

Nice people don’t change the world and you don’t put a ding in the universe by getting everyone to like you.

Ouch. I mean, way to get knocked on your backside with a slapshot of reality.

Not-So-Average by Melissa Mullen PhotographyAs a person referred to no less than a dozen times as the “nicest girl in the blogosphere” or something similar (though the reason for that escapes me as I am equally often called out for being a mean bitch) I was very conflicted by the post.

I am aware, painfully so, that being nice does not always get you far in life.

 

In fact, when the only word someone can muster to describe you is “nice” they might as well be saying “this person does not factor into the continuation of the human race as a whole.”

Harsh, yes. But the truth hurts, baby.

I can think of approximately 792 other adjectives I would rather be described as besides “nice”. That is only off the top of my head.

However if we are going to clear-cut reality into such a bare concept we must consider one static law for the Universe: For every action there must be an equal but opposite reaction.

If nice people don’t change the world, who does? What is the opposite of nice?

 

Antonyms for “nice” online include: intolerable, awkward, improper, inappropriate, indecent, abominable, detestable, irritating, disagreeable, unwelcome, ill-natured, boorish, surly, cantankerous, contentious…you get the idea. When all you are is “nice” it is insulting. When you take on these adjectives…yikes!

I just sum it up simply with one word.

Jerk.

Are the only people who can change the world jerks?

I’m *pretty* sure that isn’t exactly what Joel is saying.

But it is dangerous territory, when we start throwing around ideas like “nice people don’t change the world” because it implies that the opposite of niceness is what should be rewarded in our world. Before you know it, cat fights erupt between housewife friends and manipulative business deviousness to get all your colleagues fired is revered as celebrity and must-see entertainment.

Not everyone is going to like you. Even if you are the nicest person in the world. People will be irked by your ridiculous niceness. Ever read Pollyanna? That old lady HATED that kid for the majority of the book! Til the girl won her over with crystals and jam or some other church bazaar wares.

It really all comes down to intent.

 

Which isn’t as clean and easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy, is it?

People who are hungry to change the world will do so at any cost.

That means pissing people off, working hard towards creating your legacy, putting your vision ahead of other needs and desires, getting rid of the unnecessary clutters in your world,  breaking rules, kicking ass and taking names.

Doing things that are sometimes seen as not so nice. Or approved of. Or accepted. Yet you endure the betrayal of false friends and the wrath of jealous adversaries. All because you want to make the world a better place. You want to leave your mark and let people know you were here.

As Joel writes in the middle of a paragraph in the middle of the post:

But (and this is equally important), don’t worry about making people mad just because your dissenting opinion makes them angry. Just because they want something different from life than you does not mean you need to change the way you live yours to please them.

That doesn’t mean that you have to be a jerk about it. As someone said in the Dynamite Circle forums last week, “Unless they were being cute, nobody would agree that it is okay to be a selfish prick.”

Are you setting out to make friends or are you setting out to take on enemies?

Or are you setting out to change the world?

 

That, my friends, is what will make all the difference.

Photo Credit: Melissa Mullen Photography (more shots from this shoot on new sites, launching 2012)

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  • http://www.lifeschocolates.com Sam

    As a fellow “nice person,” I have to chime in here. Just because someone is nice, doesn’t mean that’s all that they are. It doesn’t mean they’re a pushover and won’t fight for what they believe in. You can be nice at heart and still kick ass when you need to. All too often, we categorize and pigeon-hole people into one category. We are complex human beings, multi-faceted and always growing. That’s really important to remember.

    I also don’t think we all need to dramatically change the world in order to feel like we had a full life. Of course, we all want to leave our mark and make sure people know we were here, but there are a lot of ways to do that, large and small. There’s nothing wrong with being nice. There’s nothing wrong with making friends. The important thing is being true to ourselves and living how we want to live.
    Sam´s last [type] ..Cookie Comforts

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Sam – True. I took some serious exception as well that nice is equated with being a pushover. I don’t think any one adjective can encapsulate someone. But too often people can’t muster more than a “nice” description. And I’m well aware (as noted) that having a ton of friends who like you a lot does not necessarily mean that you accomplish and achieve the things you want. Somehow like doesn’t really equal action.

      I don’t think there’s a need to dramatically change the world, but I am firmly of the belief that we do need to improve the world before we leave. I know you are too, and that isn’t what you are saying, but I feel the need to reiterate that point. It doesn’t have to be big and fantastic, but it does need to matter. We need to do things that matter.

  • http://www.elisestephens.com Elise Stephens

    This is a good kick in the pants, I agree.

    I spent this last Saturday at a Christmas party that I hosted for a bunch of friends, but I had a meltdown before everyone got there, worrying over how things would come together, and whether people would have fun…boils down to–I was worried about whether my guests going to enjoy themselves and think I was a good host.

    I know it’s more complicated than just my obsession with wanting people to like me and think I’m cool (or nice), but the need to be liked is such a huge part of it. Thank you for sharing this. It’s something a ton of us need to hear.

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Elise – I think that is precisely what this is about. The biggest problem with being “nice” is that you are so concerned with others opinions of you and liking you and thinking you are “nice”. It is easy to write about it, much harder to live it.

      Realizing it is probably a good first step. We can work through it together. ;)

  • http://www.elisestephens.com Elise Stephens

    There must be something in the air. I just found another article on the dangers of being nice today: http://justinemusk.com/2011/12/12/problems-with-nice/
    Elise Stephens´s last [type] ..“Barefoot” in Winter Omnibus!

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      I feel like I’ve seen her around Impossible quarters…must be a buzz Joel has placed on the community. He’s a crafty brilliant dude that way!

  • http://www.gradtao.com Alex

    I’d still rather die being known as someone who was fair, kind, and honest, than someone who hurt people just to get ahead. It’s a common issue in academia. I don’t want to change the world the way that some do, though. I feel I can make an impact by being a good person and by making my contribution to the world quietly. I admire those who do push the envelope and contribute something epic, but I don’t admire those who do it with dark intentions. Great post. Will be thinking about this one for awhile.
    Alex´s last [type] ..This year

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Alex – That’s just the black and white area that I think is a problem though. It is as if you are either fair & kind or you are cut-throat, but things are rarely that easy. As for changing the world, I don’t think it has to be some earth-shattering world change. Living a good life, making a difference and improving the planet in your own way before you leave it – that is changing the world. There’s way too many people not invested in doing that.

  • http://www.tropicalmba.com dan

    I’m a word nerd, so Ioved reading this post.

    I see an important distinction not totally fleshed out between the two articles: ‘nice’ as in being kind (and it seems Joel aslo wants to say motivated by wanting people to like you) and ‘nice’ being employed as the primary descriptor of a person.

    so although my mother is a very nice person (kind…) she wouldn’t primarily be described by others as “nice.”

    but here’s the bigger question: what does “change the world” mean.

    does that mean, like do stuff? make people’s lives better? raise a family? write a blog? ANYTHING?!?

    then my mom is both nice, AND changing the world.

    #BOOM #GONNAEMAILRUNYON
    dan´s last [type] ..In Transit

    • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

      Word nerd, huh? I knew there was a reason we would like working together. ;)

      And as a word nerd, the two posts definitely employ two different definitions. Though I reference Joel’s post (since it is what got me thinking about the topic of nice again) my train of thought didn’t go down the “nice means wanting everyone to like me” path. Mostly cause I think that is a weak definition of nice. A kind person, that is a better descriptor for me.

      And yes, horrible if it is the ONLY descriptor or the primary descriptor for a person. I love that people think I am nice and kind. I would hope they think I am other things as well though.

      As for changing the world…I have guided a lot of my life with the following quote in mind:

      To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch…

      To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived…THIS is to have succeeded

      Of course trying to nail down a universal definition of success would be a more massive undertaking than defining nice!

      • http://www.tropicalmba.com dan

        I like this quote as a frame up of the idea of success.
        dan´s last [type] ..In Transit