Someone Like You
Guest Post by All You Need Contributor Vanessa Gallo
I keep seeing these ads for Next to Normal, that intense little Broadway play we saw during our last breath tour of New York City. To be honest, I’ve been feeling a little next to normal myself these last few months.
I ran into Fabio last weekend at a club of all places. And you know what? He was actually so nice and happy to see me – it felt like a relief to know that time washes away spoiled milk, bad blood and negativity. I knew you would understand the significance since you witnessed one of my most important break ups, of the friendship variety. I almost wanted to call you and dish.
My mom broke the news to me at home one night last week.
About your engagement.
It felt like getting punched in the stomach. It felt worse than when we broke up. It felt like you died. Part of me wishes you told me yourself. Part of me knows it would’ve been too hard on us both.
I remember standing next to you at Shaheen’s wedding, listening to the beautiful speeches about their life changing love, the way they beamed at each other, the unity of their extended family. I remember tearing up because I couldn’t imagine our wedding day coming even close to that kind of magic.
I knew.
I’ve been carrying around some baggage, you see, in the form of guilt. But I’ve realized so much these past two years I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you!
I thought you were holding me back from my dreams and from a life of excitement and happiness. I told myself stories about not having time for my passions because of you but time away has shown me all of these desires, they lay in my hands, not yours (you could have been more supportive though!).
I focused on your flaws and shortcomings, so hurt and angry was I that I overlooked the positive. Your accusations stung and I bandaged the wounds with defenses. I didn’t own up to where I went wrong and I realize what I had to work on. More for myself than for anyone else.
I always resented your dissatisfaction for the amount of time, energy and love I gave. I’ve come to realize that I gave you everything I was capable of giving you at that time in my life. I wasn’t trying to cheat you or hold back, I was just lost and incredibly unhappy with myself. I wasn’t ready to love 110%.
Most of all I know you doubted my love for you. Hell, I doubted my love for you. But my reaction to this news and all the ways you’ve crossed my mind since our demise tell me otherwise. You must have known that my feelings ran deep and true.
It turns out I’ve held back from moving on because of this nagging Polly Pocket fantasy where you beg for my forgiveness and tell me how you’ve grown. Because of your news I finally gave our relationship the proper funeral it deserved and I buried Polly Pocket with it.
I know what to do differently next time around and what I don’t want to change. The truth is I’m excited not knowing who My Mister will be, when we’ll meet, and if “I’ll know” in that first meeting moment the way people say they do.
It’s one of the few happy surprises left in life it seems.
Our timing wasn’t right because it wasn’t meant to be. Rest assured my spirit will be raising a champagne glass toasting to your bright future on that special day.
Reader’s note: We were together from ages 19 (21) to 23 (25). The relationship ended 2 years ago.
All You Need Contributor: Vanessa Gallo
Vanessa, 25, blogs about becoming a screenwriter, self discovery and relationships at daremytruth.com. She isn’t afraid to abuse brackets, give too much information or use cultural references like it’s her job. You can also follow her on Twitter @daremytruth.
Song: Cool by Gwen Stefani
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