I believe my exact phrase to the poor offending party was “You have no idea the fury you have unleashed! I can seriously go from 0 to bitch in 2.6 seconds and it’s ALL about to come out.”

Or something like that.

And my friends all laughed cause I’m 5’4″ inches of feisty Irish/Italian girl with a cute little voice and probably less intimidating than the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

Except when I’m angry.

And then, much like when the poor little happy Marshmallow Man got shot at by proton beams, I can become a snarling vicious vindictive villain looking for a good fight.

Photo Credit: Getty Images – Robert Johnson

Dr. Laurence J. Peter is quoted as saying “Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”

And if there’s one thing that makes me angrier than just being angry it is losing a fight/battle/practical joke because I let myself be angry.

Does that hurt your head yet?  Cause it sure hurts mine!

I’d like to say that I’ve achieved an inner calm and zen through yoga that helps me to count to 10 slowly when I feel the redness starting to creep up my neck.  Or that it is an act of the utmost kindness to another human being to not respond to a snipping email in-kind with biting sarcasm that is sure to make most anyone feel 2 inches tall.

Or that it’s the generosity of personal conditioning when doing business.

So I’ve adopted these few strategies for keeping the balance within.  And fortunately while I do go from 0 to bitch in 2.6 seconds, it has to be something pretty bad (or I have to be on my 4th drink) to engage the action!

• If you feel like you want to respond angry to an email do not respond for at least 6 hours (better if you can wait 24)
• Do not “talk out” the situation with 7 different friends, you will only get yourself more riled up
• Do not “give speeches” to others about the situation – it only justifies the crazy in your head
• Do not hang up on or walk away from someone you are angry with…CALMLY explain that you are feeling very offended/hurt/upset and that if the conversation continues you will have to end it
• Accept those things which you do not have control over and focus instead on the things you do
• Laugh…simply laugh at the silliness of the whole situation

How about you?  What do you do to keep the crazy red-eyed monster out of your life?

That night the temperatures in the Atlantic Ocean dropped near freezing and because it was two days before the new moon the sky was pitch black.  Tiny pin-pricks of starlight barely provided the visibility necessary to navigate a multi-level cruise ship through the dangerous icy waters.  And at 11:43 PM when the call came from the sailor on the mast that there was a massive iceberg ahead, there was no way to steer the “unsinkable” RMS Titanic around.

Within 2 hours and forty minutes the RMS Titanic had split and broken and begun it’s descent to a darker grave on the ocean floor.  Legend has it, that the 8 piece RMS Titanic band bravely served the crew and passengers of the ship by playing the entire time.  Somehow providing a sense of calm and normalcy to people actually destined for death.  Sacrificing their own welfare for their passion, their job and their fellow man on a sinking ship.

Photo Credit: Getty Images – George Marks

In return, the family of violinist Jock Hume received the following note, dated April 30, 1912 (just two weeks after his death) from Jock’s agent:

In business we are daily faced with opportunities to interact not only with consumers but also our peers and sometimes competitors or adversaries.  In the course of the day many situations arise for which there are multiple solutions.

We shade these outcomes, convincing ourselves that our own shaded perception of the logic and reality somehow make the result justifiable.  Recently, I was taken completely aback to realize my own integrity had been placed on the line as individuals sought to reach their solution by any means necessary.

“It’s just business, nothing personal” one stated to me when asked how they could do this.  But the thing is how can it NOT be personal?  For most situations there is a mass availability of solutions, but we tend to seek the ones that will be the easiest and least painful for ourselves.  Throwing others under the bus, snipping at those attempting to help, charging the grieving family of a dead hero to make your ends meet.

Let’s not pretend that solutions which sacrifice others are the only outcomes available.  Like we are boxed into a cage with wild animals nipping at our heels, pressing for immediate and ill-planned actions.  Seeking results without first analyzing the situation, determining a cause or catalyst and testing solution plans which address it directly.

Good business is about doing the right thing and valuing your relationships.

Besides, you may get what you want in that very moment and situation.  But who knows what opportunities you will cut yourself off from in the future.  I’m not quite sure what the phrase “cutting off you nose to spite your face” means but I’m pretty sure that it applies here.

It’s never “just business.”

At least not if you are a good business.

Then the director called my previous employers, which happens to include one of my close friends. Apparently, there was a question regarding the fact that I “laughed a little too loud and boisterously” (phrases like that stick in your mind for the whole of time!) Why would I want to work with people like this? Cause it was my dream job.

I ended up getting the job (during my second interview I barely cracked a smile, wore an overpriced suit, carried a bag that I saw in the director’s office and was exactly what I thought she wanted me to be.) Needless to say, the position sucked. My new boss, well, she was the devil. I needed to lose 25 pounds, was advised to buy an entirely new trendy and labeled wardrobe, told that my friendly and outgoing nature needed to be tempered and more “business-like,” and basically I needed to change everything I was to work there. I stayed for six months…

I thought this was something that I had outgrown as I became more confident in myself and my abilities. Recently I was at a conference that had some breakout classes, including one on public speaking. I signed up thinking maybe they would have some suggestions to make sure I wouldn’t break out in hives every time I had to speak in front of groups. Fortunately I spent a bit of time in my youth singing and performing and have been told I’m actually quite good presenting.

As I sat through this session I was listening to the speaker teach everyone how to become cookie cuttered mimeographs of the person next to them. Stand rigidly with both feet pointing straight forward (including one guy who was a bit bowlegged and actually had to physically change his stance making him uncomfortable and awkward,) hands firmly at your sides in “home” position and pointedly emphasizing certain parts of your statements.

I looked around the room at everyone melding themselves to this ideal, and realized how sad the world of business would be if we all stood feet forward, hands to our sides, speaking in a “compelling monotone that draws the audience in.” The greatest successes are innovators and individuals who made their own name for themselves. While this is what you are supposed to strive to be, almost all entry level training and knowledge is teaching us how to fall in line

What is it about business that makes us feel like we have to play the game like everyone else to get ahead?

Special thanks to the Life Without Pants blog where this first appeared in partiality as a comment to his post “How Far Are You Willing To Go For Your Dream Job“.

At the age of 20 I left school after the University and I came to a mutual understanding that we should “be on a break” for a little while. I moved home to be super cool and live with my Mom & Dad and got a temp job at an insurance company in May. I always planned to go back to school in the spring after 6 months of consecutive employment using their tuition reimbursement program. Then 9/11 happened, my company cut their personal lines department, and I was laid off by 21.

My supervisor told me before I was laid off that she went to “the Bobs” that were hired to handle our layoffs and asked to keep me, but it was to no avail. She thought that even with 5 months experience, my work product and ethic earned me the right to stay even though there were people who had been there longer than I. Company policy did not agree. I went to work for an insurance agency that was owned by a prior colleague of hers, and her last request to me was “He’s a friend of mine and I referred you to him, so that’s my word on the line. Don’t f*ck it up.” That was 8 years ago.

Now, I work in the field office of a major insurance company as a specialist for the agents. People in my position advance to much higher positions in the company, in fact most executives have my job title amongst the eight-hundred acronyms that Corporate America loves. I serve on a few non-profit boards in the area. People actually know my name before they know me. One organization, which I adore because the work they do for women is inspiring, actually decided to feature me as part of a series they have of women “Making Change Happen” in Maine.

Compliment my hair, I smile and preen and say “Thanks!” Ooh and ahh over my performance of “Someone To Watch Over Me” and I’ll blush a little and tell you that I’ve been performing that particular song since I was 17 years old. Have my HR department call and ask if I’ll be featured in a new vlog series for employees because 6 colleagues recommended me…I’ll break out in hives and go to my supervisor BEGGING to be released from the project.

The truth of the matter is in most situations I’m a crazy compassionate ambitious successful bitchy corporate leader for my agents and my company. But when it comes to promoting myself and the work that I do, I’m Just Not That Into Me.

I realized this with the remodel of my office (I know, I thought the hives would have done it too!) I got to choose the colors, rearrange furniture and truly make the space my own. After everything was placed, though, I had a huge gaping wall space behind my desk. In my stomach, I got a sinking scary feeling as I knew what I should hang there. My featured article in the “Making Change Happen” was mounted into a gorgeous black shadow box frame.

I couldn’t bring myself to even measure out the space for almost four days, even though I knew that I should be proud and should want to share my success with people visiting my office. But I mean seriously…I’m 29 years old, with no college degree, and half the time I feel like I’m faking my way through it. It’s only my stubborn nature to help everyone around me succeed and be happy that has gotten me to where I am. I want to see people excel, I want them to find their grail, I want so much for everyone around me. And for me, it’s only because everyone I work with is so damn talented and smart and wonderful that I ever manage to look good.

I have had to type and delete three times already in this posting “I was lucky and…” It’s almost like I can’t bring myself to see or believe that I might have had a hand in any of it. That someone is going to realize at some point in time that I just keep swimming and really have no idea what I’m doing. That I can’t accept my own success.

My sister, the psych major, I have delusions of self-fulfillment. I’m trying though. In fact, after a week of deep breaths and only one hive breakout, I hung my article over the desk in my office. Maybe next week, I’ll even be able to tell people I did it proudly.

So how do you deal with your success in business? Are you into you?

While I was quite offended by the delivery Tyler’s message, I couldn’t help but partially see where he was coming from. Especially as I began reading over 150 responses. Many of these women (rightfully irked by a guy trying to tell us essentially throw on a pretty dress, tie your hair in ribbon and get into the kitchen to make him some pie) retaliated in their comments by telling him essentially that dresses and heels and long hair are just a way of men trying to keep women in their place and that no woman actually enjoys those things.

I then began to feel assaulted from all sides, both men and women. Its a difficult tight rope to walk as woman. See, I feel empowered and feminine and…well…pretty. Yes, I said it. When I look pretty I feel empowered. This isn’t to say that I don’t spend a majority of my time in jeans and a t-shirt/sweater (hey, I live in Maine, it isn’t always t-shirt weather!) but when it comes to business clothes I tend to defer to the “girlie.” Whether it is right or wrong, my “girlie” clothes get many more compliments (from both sides of the gender fence) than my pants suits or Mary Jane flats.

Somehow, in the “progress” of taking women from the kitchen to the board room we’ve gotten it into our mind that we aren’t allowed to be “feminine” to feel as powerful. Please note I don’t refer to this as “feminism” because I still adhere to that crazy notion that feminism simply means that women want to be treated equally.

As we’ve “progressed” our way along, though, the idea of being feminine seems to have gotten lost in translation. Now, women are supposed to buy into a “long-held history” that uses skirts to cripple and impede their advancement and bring down their gender. My longer hair is shunned, and has led to dangerous situations involving “assault by ponytail.” A woman is no longer supposed to be nurturing or compassionate, that is no longer part of her inherent nature but a way society has kept her in the home and out of the working force by imposing a gender role on her.

Unfortunately, I know many women who are the exact OPPOSITE of all these ideals. I wear the skirt and heels and eyelet lace top and can be one of the biggest bitches to deal with in the workplace. I have very little tolerance for ignorance or lack of initiative and get very vocal about it. One of the sweetest, most caring and benevolent women I know wore her first suit ever today and it was a pants suit. Otherwise she wears khakis and trousers to work and owns only one skirt that she bought for a wedding.

Furthermore, what are we as women saying about our sisters who make the decision to stay at home and raise their kids. I don’t have kids myself, but I can tell you I’ve NEVER met a Mom who wasn’t working. Should they feel less accomplished because they DO know how to cook and clean?

Why does one thing need to lead to the other? Why can someone who is feminine not be a successful and shrewd business woman? And why is it believed that the short haired, black pant suit woman cannot be nurturing? Why does it always have to be about the “label” that we associate with one style or another.

And most importantly to me, before I step into my next executive management-level meeting as the successful business woman that I have worked very hard become (because I obviously want to make sure I portray the right impression) – when did a skirt become a sign of weakness?

Working as an adult in Maine, I’ve learned that I never appreciated snow days enough when I was younger. See, while many other parts of the US freak out and shut down every business and major highway at the first sight of a snowflake, in Maine we’re conditioned to risk life and limb to get to get to our jobs no matter what. It’s definitely got its perks though. As I was crawling along on my way to work this morning, I realized there’s a lot that can be learned from driving through my wintery wonderland and applied to my career.

Neither overly-cautious nor over-zealous driving ends well for anyone As I drove along today in my pretty rugged 4X4 Jeep Patriot I was going at a pretty safe 30 MPH clip. In the 1.5 miles between my house and my office, I encountered both of these drivers. The first was someone who came flying up along my drivers side going at least 40 MPH, which is speeding even in good weather. After I got done not-so-silently cursing this idiot for putting us both in danger I came up on a car that was going 10 MPH. I almost ran this guy over.

I’ve seen the same thing with people I’ve encountered in my career. The ones who sped by, being reckless and having no concern for themselves or anyone else’s well being, they get to the stop light no more than 15 seconds faster than the other people on the road. In the process, they may hurt themselves or more importantly others along the way, and the thing is their completely irrational behavior generally doesn’t get them too much further ahead. Then there are people who go along overly cautious because they are so scared of what might happen. Those people end up being late to everything and could possibly get run over by even the most casual of drivers. It’s the people who go along keeping an eye out for opportunities, occasionally taking a slight risk and being cautious when needed who run the least chance of skidding out.

When your car is in a skid, neither accelerate nor brake It’s hard to keep in mind the fact that at any given moment the only thing holding your car to the road are four little patches of rubber no bigger than your fist on the bottom of your tire. It’s even harder when you start to feel your car losing its traction and going sideways down a lane towards other vehicles. You slam on your brakes or hit the accelerator to see if you can right yourself, you jerk the steering wheel the opposite way of the skid to try and turn the car, and if it’s a really good spinout you see different scenes of your life flashing before your eyes.

The same thing can happen with any project or career. You’re going along thinking everything is ok and suddenly you lose complete control of the situation. While you are skidding out in circles its easy to think that you need to work even harder, or abruptly stop or go in a completely different direction in hopes of righting your way. The best way to handle a spin out, though, is to keep your steering wheel steady, gently pump the brakes on downhills or slowly accelerate into an incline.

Look farther ahead in traffic In white out conditions its hard to see a foot ahead of you, let alone the road and other surroundings. Its easy to become disorieted when snow is swirling around you and you get a tunnel vision of sorts trying to stare down the tracks on the road to follow its twists and turns. You can absolutely lose yourself in the ruts ahead of you and before you know it you wrap your car around a tree or up into someone’s front seat. However, if you keep your eyes on both the road and what other cars are doing ahead of you you’ll see where people go off course and end up in a ditch or the road takes a sharp left beside a river.

In business we frequently follow along a road that others have paved before us. It’s easy to get caught following their exact tracks right off the side of a cliff. Yet the warning signs are always in front of us if we’d just pick our eyes up off our “set path” and looked to see where others have gone astray in making presentations or their own career choices. You can also find the people who have found their way along the snowy road, and take some hints from their cues.

It’s easy to get stuck in even 3 inches of snow One of my secretaries got stuck in our parking lot with not more than 3 inches of snow under her tires. Snow is a weird thing, though. Even though there can be a very small amount of it, you can easily dig yourself further into a slushy/icy nightmare by just spinning your tires. The best thing is to turn your wheels to try to clean out some of the snow behind them and throw down some salt/sand/cat litter to add traction to your tires. Still, you might occasionally need a friend to jump into the snowbank in front of you and give you a good shove in the right directions.

In both the best and the worst of times its easy to get stuck in your career. Doing the same thing over and over only digs you into a bad situation deeper, its crazy to think that not changing anything about your routine is going to somehow lead to a different result. Very few people are able to rock themselves out of being stuck on a snow bank, and sadly those people usually have a lot of practice doing it. It isn’t shameful or wrong to have to ask for help or throw something down to give yourself a little extra traction. Sometimes, you need a little something or a shove to get yourself out of your rut and on your road again.

I spend so much time driving in my car for work, its where some of my best ideas come to me. What stuff do you do that teaches you skills to parlay into your everyday life?

The woman nodded, seeming to understand, when another counterpart suddenly burst in saying “That’s complete bullsh*t…an artist can become world famous with just one work.” We all sat in a bit of silence for an awkward 5-10 seconds, not knowing what to say. And I must admit, while in my younger years I would have crawled under the table in horrified embarrassment, now my temptation is absolutely to get ghetto fabulous on a someone.

I refrained, but the statement this woman made just sits painfully in my mind. More importantly, it sits painfully in my heart. How on earth would ANYONE encourage someone to do one great thing and never aspire to do anything else is…painful! To say that Picasso should have just stuck with his portraiture we would not have had such an impactful cubist movement. To say that Johnny Cash should have stayed with the gospel and folk music would have left us without the Folsom Prison Blues. I could create this entire post with even more examples like this.

There are so many people in the world that seem to adhere to this theory, and more and more I see why the arts are dying so quickly in our society. To think that you can produce one great work of art and never want to challenge yourself to go beyond is frankly a sign of fear. Not a lack of talent nor a lack of effort. It is pure and simple fear. Fear that you’ll never be better than your first work. Fear that if you go to a different style with the next no one will accept/understand it. Fear of change.

I kinda feel bad for this woman. Scratch that, I feel VERY bad for this woman. I wonder what hopes, dreams, future she has hung up to rest on the laurel of whatever her one great work is. Or maybe, at an age much further progressed from mine, she doesn’t have one yet. To live a life of complacency is a sad place to be.

The woman had a fantastic idea for a company centering around becoming a personal historian. She is funding this endeavor by making DVD’s of her family’s own history and a book she is looking to get published. Her execution and vision are a little rough though…she isn’t sure how much she wants to make, how much her expenses are, whether the book and DVD are the ultimate goal of her business or the histories…I could go on and on about how unprepared this woman was for the panel.

To say that this woman needs a business plan an some serious goal setting classes is an understatement. She seems to have a lot of irons in the fire and not a good plan for how to pull them out without horribly burning herself. I even offered a contact for one of the best book editors I know after the one thing she had requested in definite detail was to find a book editor, and her response was “Yeah, that’s great, but I don’t have any money to pay anyone.”

And it was hard to sit there and try to offer advice to someone who didn’t want to hear it. She thought she did, but its pretty hard to plan for anything if you don’t know exactly what “thing” should be. I’m continuously astounded by the number of people who think that starting a business is easy and they should just jump on board.

People have good ideas for things everyday, and sometimes even a passion for a particular field or vocation. This does not a business owner make. You need to have ambition, dedication, time, confidence, realistic expectations, advisors/business coaches/mentors to help figure out HOW to start a business and most importantly you MUST HAVE A VISION!!!

When news leaked earlier this week about Alex Rodriguez’s sordid past and alleged steroid use I’m not going to lie…as a rabid Red Sox fan my heart did a little leap in my chest. I can’t quite explain it, I know nothing about A-Rod. But when he shunned my boys in blue and red, well, he shunned an entire nation and I just can’t stand for that.

Now that the story has been confirmed my heart fell. I’ve watched in horror the past year as I learned that childhood heroes and pedestalled ball players fell as well. It isn’t just the drug use, that part surprisingly doesn’t hurt as much. It’s the need to use performance enhancing drugs. I mean, some were blatently obvious…Barry Bonds’ bicep is seriously larger than my head! However, though I do rather loathe him for completely petty team infighting reasons, I still hoped deep down for better.

A-Rod was the last titan at the bat from recent history to be brought down. The bridge has been broken, the dream shattered, Mighty Casey has struck out.

While on the topic I will also note this may be the best commentary I’ve seen this week on Michael Phelps. Is his pot smoking a little bit of a gut punch to the apple pie-sm of America? Yes, most definitely. Is he drunk and falling out of cars with crotch shots at paparazzi or swearing belligerently at a pool hand for getting being in his pool? Personally, with the amount of fame and pressure the poor kid has foisted on him, I’m amazed a bong at a party is the worst we’ve seen from him.