As your brain scans through the files of newborn images cataloged up there you have already subconsciously landed on a baby that your immediate reaction was something to the effect of “Oh dear, that baby is ugly.”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the decisions I’ve made in life that brought me to this moment, sitting in my hand-me-down leather chair typing away furiously on a laptop. Heartbeat quickening as I listen to sirens blare outside my window. Jazz standards soothing the room in the background. Mind racing as I try to focus on one window out of twelve open on the screen.

And the realization hits me. Not like a ton of bricks or out of no where.

But as a quiet voice, that has been in the back of my mind.

It was six years ago when the boy I was dating introduced me to a whole new world of fantasy that changed my life.

The thing about Fantasy Football is that, as the name implies, it’s a fantasy. A way for football fans to get in on the action, beyond watching games. And I tend to play in leagues with some of my favorite guy…friends ever. It makes my NFL season that much more fun!

Not surprisingly, most of the enjoyment of Fantasy Football comes not from the standings and scores but from how you approach your league. It is not the situation or tool but how you react that makes the experience one that keeps you coming back.

Ah, yes. Only attractive, athletic, vivacious, engaging, ambitious, etc people get action and play. If it isn’t Hollywood or magazines or society cramming it down our throats, it’s that little voice that gnaws at the back of our mind. Reminding us that we just aren’t good enough. That we aren’t skinny or pretty or “insert appropriately superficial adjective here” enough.

I am a girl who struggles with my weight.

I’m also funny. And smart. And kind. And talented. And sometimes pretty if not beautiful.

But at the end of the day I’m also a girl who weighs much more than she should.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

I couldn’t control my hand, it was shaking near uncontrollably and I felt like it was 10 degrees in my car. I couldn’t talk, my heart pounding in my throat.